Guardians of Hawaii
by Evil Cosmic Triplets
Summary: Sequel to, "Gingerbread Cookies and Gumdrop Buttons". This is comprised of ficlets related to Steve, Danny, Kono, Chin and Lou's work as Maui and Lono's chosen guardians of Hawaii. This installment: Danny may or may not be concussed, Kono wonders why sizzling in bacon grease feels like a day at the nude beach, Chin wants everyone to grow up, and Steve just wants to hold Danny.
1. A Sticky Situation

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters from the TV show, "Hawaii Five-0," featured in this work of fiction, and am not making any profit, monetary, or otherwise, through the writing of this.

 **A/N:** This is AU, and a little on the 'crack' side of fiction (okay, a _lot_ on the 'crack' side of fiction). It features some events which some readers might find a little 'racy' (probably not), and it does have some vulgar language in it. Lono and Maui, while patterned after Hawaiian gods, are portrayed in a manner which is not in keeping with how they would be described in any legends (I am fashioning them a little differently). This is not meant to be taken overly seriously. It is cheesy, and sappy, and completely ridiculous in places. I really don't know why or how this came to be, just that one day my mind pictured the characters of Five-0 as marshmallows, and I could imagine marshmallow Steve and Danny arguing about the circumstances that had led them to being turned into marshmallows. This was supposed to be maybe two or three hundred words, a glimpse at the team's work as guardians of Hawaii, and nothing more. It's quite a bit longer than that. I hope that you - whoever it is that decides to read this crazy thing - don't mind.

 **A/N 2:** I did proofread this but know that I am imperfect (sadly so). Please be forgiving of any errors that you find herein (some may very well be intentional 'errors', and others might just be accidents - the other day, I saw it's instead of its in something that I'd written and nearly had a panic attack; I'm trying not to obsess).

* * *

"Could you move over a little?" Steve tried to keep the mounting anger and panic out of his voice, but, judging by the way that Danny didn't exactly move over so much as he crowded him a little more, he wasn't very successful. Danny probably was probably trying to keep his cool, too.

"Move over? How's _that_ , Steven? Comfy? Cozy?" Danny's voice was filled with vitriol, and Steve did not feel comfy or cozy, he felt squashed and sticky.

"Guys!" Kono's voice rang out, and the pressure on Steve eased a little as Danny scooted over just a little, but not enough to really make Steve feel comfortable. This situation they were in gave new meaning to the word, compact.

"It's just so damn tight in here," Steve complained, regretting the words leaving his mouth a second too late to recall them.

"Well, _maybe_ if _somebody_ had kept his big mouth shut, _somebody_ would have had plenty of room to himself, and we wouldn't be in this big, sticky mess!" Danny's shout reverberated in the small space and he seemed to swell as he spoke, making Steve decidedly more uncomfortable than he had been just seconds before.

"Danny, Steve, there's nothing we can do about any of this right now. We all need to just take it easy." Chin said, ever the voice of reason and diplomacy, even in their current, less than ideal, situation.

"Take it easy?" Danny muttered. "I think we're _melting_ in here. Honest to god, _melting_ , and all because, Mr. Tall Dark and I-AM-A-FUCKING-NAVY-SEAL who doesn't think before he speaks, here, decided to tell Maui, a _god_ , mind you, that he thought he'd be taller in person. I mean, it's one thing to toss these mindless, neolithic barbs in _my_ direction; I'm used to it, and I can't change you into a gingerbread man, or a...a big, fat, gooey marshmallow on its way to a camping trip!"

Kono snickered, and Danny was accidentally shoved into Steve who scowled, though he doubted that anyone could see it. All he could see was an endless wall of white towering over and around him. He knew that Danny was right beside him, in the very middle. Chin and Kono were somewhere behind them, and, though Chin made a soft, tutting sound, he didn't say anything as they were jostled around.

"It wasn't my fault," Steve mumbled, and he shifted away, or tried to, but Danny was right, they were getting a little melty and they had started to stick together, literally. _This is a nightmare_ , Steve thought.

"Great." Danny's voice rumbled through Steve's body. "We're melted to each other. In the world of s'mores, you realize that we're now the cream of the crop? That little, grubby fingers will be rifling through the bag and we'll be the first to go?"

"You don't know that they're going to make s'mores, Danny." Steve tried to pull away from Danny, but only succeeded in getting them more stuck together. If they got any more attached to each other, they'd be a single entity. Not something that Steve really wanted to think about right now. It was hot and stuffy, and Danny was in a pissy mood, not that Steve could blame the man turned marshmallow, and Steve had no idea how on earth they were supposed to accomplish their god-assigned task as marshmallows. Getting glued to an unhappy, snippy Danny for the duration was not on the agenda.

"It's a group of Girl Scouts, Steven, what the hell do you think they're going to do with a bag of marshmallows? Set up a tea party for them? Maybe dress them up in teeny tiny outfits and play house?" Danny asked, in a voice that only grew angrier as he continued, "Of course we're going to be made into s'mores. It's an imperative of camping. I can picture it now," Danny said, and if he'd had arms and hands, Steve knew that they'd be flailing - er moving in perfect concert with his words, to emphasize his points - right about now. As it was, Danny's vehemence was only serving to turn up the heat in the plastic bag that was their (hopefully) temporary home and make them all swell a little uncomfortably.

"Stop it, Danny, you're making me bloat," Kono reprimanded. "Now, Chin and I are as much conjoined twins with neighboring marshmallows as the two of you are, and, unlike the two of you, neither of us is interested in getting that intimate with anything else in here."

"I'm...excuse me? _I'm_ making you _bloat_?" Danny huffed, and Steve thought that maybe he understood why Danny hated tight spaces so much. It was no picnic, being trapped. "Excuse me for thinking like a rational man, here. We are marshmallows, people. MARSHMALLOWS. And need I remind you that we are currently on our way to a campsite? And all because Super SEAL here thought that he'd call Maui a shorty. He's taller than me, by the way."

"I didn't call him a shorty, Danny," Steve said, defending himself. "I merely said -"

"Steve, as much as this pains me to say, Danny's right, brah, you called the god who sends us out on missions as guardians of Hawaii, a shorty, in a manner of speaking. I'm not saying that he wouldn't have done this to us anyway; he does have an interesting sense of humor, but..." Chin trailed off, allowing Steve to draw his own conclusions.

"Yeah, Boss," Kono agreed with her cousin, "you totally called him a shorty."

"Oh, for Chri-"

"Look, I don't know how we're going to get out of this mess. Maybe Steve just has to apologize, or maybe we'll have to figure out how to save these girls in our current form," Chin cut Steve off, and Steve would have gladly removed himself from the vicinity of his 'friends' who were making a mountain of a molehill, but he couldn't go anywhere. He, and the others, were trapped.

"But, we need to stop tossing around blame, and start coming up with a plan. We weren't chosen to be guardians of Hawaii because of our skills for debate; we were chosen because we -"

"Are totally kick ass heroes," Kono interrupted with a whoop that made Steve's head spin. Or, well, if he'd had a head, it would have spun. He was definitely, decidedly feeling a bit spinny.

"Because, when we work together, we are an unbeatable team," Chin finished as though Kono hadn't interjected.

"We can't get more 'together' than we are right now, and I hate to break it to you two 'Wonder Twins', but we don't exactly have any arms and legs with which to kick proverbial ass," Danny grumbled. "I don't know about you guys, but I am _not_ looking forward to having a sharp, pointy stick shoved up my ass, and being roasted over open flames. With my luck, I'll end up on the stick of the pyromaniac girl of the bunch."

"But, we are able to communicate with each other," Chin pointed out calmly.

"Danny, you said it yourself, they're Girl Scouts, not acolytes of Charles Manson." Steve was starting to get aggravated. Usually it was Danny, with his acerbic comments, who caused these types of 'sensitivity' issues, not him. He didn't understand why height was such an issue for some people. Shortness could be an asset in some situations.

" _Acolytes_? Who bought you a word of the day calendar?" Danny asked. "And just so you know, they may _look_ like kind-hearted, innocent girls on the outside, but I'll have you know, that on the inside, each and every single one of those girls secretly enjoys roasting the tar out of marshmallows."

"Even Grace?" Kono asked teasingly.

Danny shuddered, and said, "Trust me when I say that you do not want to know, Kono. You _do not_ want to know."

"Just because I'm not as verbose as you, Daniel, doesn't mean that I don't know words like, acolyte," Steve said, bristling at the slight on his intellect, and inadvertently causing himself, and other marshmallows in the bag, to swell as though they were in a microwave rather than riding in the trunk of the troop leader's car, which was dark and stuffy, and in no way an ideal way to travel.

"Enough!" Chin's voice rang out in the plastic bag. "If you two keep this up, we're going to become a single, gooey marshmallow mass, and we won't be of any use to those girls, or Hawaii."

Kono made a rather undignified sound, something that was a cross between a chortle and an 'aha', and started bouncing around as much as she could, getting the four of them stuck to their companion, inanimate marshmallows, and causing a din of complaints from her three teammates that she ignored in her enthusiasm.

Steve had never felt so trapped in his life, and he wondered, for the first time since they'd become aware of the transformation, if Danny was okay. He'd been chewing Steve out, and that was a sign that Danny was uncomfortable, but Steve had been so focused on defending himself, and what he'd said to Maui, and trying to get unstuck, that he hadn't once thought about how hard this had to be on his partner who hated tight spaces. He really was a big doofus, as Danny was fond of saying.

"Kono?" Chin kept his voice low, as though afraid of making his cousin go even more berserk than she already was.

"I figured it out, guys," Kono said, her voice filled with excitement, as she continued bouncing.

"What did you figure out?" Chin asked, his voice practically oozing with patience that Steve did not feel, especially with how uncomfortably close and hot and sticky everything had become since Kono's odd outburst.

"We need to stick together," Kono said slowly, as though explaining something obvious and self-explanatory to a dull individual incapable of adding two and two. "It's the only way that we can save the girls, guys. Think about it. Why else, aside from Steve's insult to Maui, would he and Lono have done this to us?"

"Hey!" Steve protested, but he was ignored.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Danny said. "Guys, I need to get out of here, NOW. And Kono, you need to stop bouncing. I don't know if marshmallows can hurl, or not, but I might be the first one to do so."

"Take it easy, Danny," Chin said. "I know you're uncomfortable right now. We all are. Just focus on your breathing, and try to picture yourself somewhere else, okay? Kono, what are you thinking?"

"You know, how last time, when we were turned into gingerbread people, it was because Maui and Lono had ulterior motives, yeah?" Kono was warming up to the subject, her voice gaining in volume.

Steve wondered if marshmallows could blush, as it was, he felt himself grow decidedly warmer, which was not necessarily a good thing. He'd seen bags of marshmallows that had been left out in the sun for too long. There hadn't been individual marshmallows left in the bag, but rather a large blob of white goo. He did _not_ want to turn them into a gob of marshmallow fluff just because he was recalling certain things that had happened as a result of their time spent in gingerbread land. If he wasn't mistaken, Danny was going a little gooey himself at the memory.

"Yes," Chin said in a thin voice. "We were all present when they explained it to us, and asked if we'd be willing guardians of the lands of Hawaii, though I think we can all agree that this is not what any of us had in mind when we volunteered." His, 'what's your point?' was left unsaid, but was adamantly clear in his tone of voice.

"I think they're trying to teach us a lesson," Kono said, her voice no less enthusiastic than it had been earlier. "About team work. I mean, you gotta admit, guys, that these past couple of weeks we've all been at each other's throats, and you and Danny haven't exactly been all... _you know._.. lately."

"I don't get it, how is being turned into an arm and leg less marshmallow supposed to teach us how to work as a team?" Steve asked. Was it just him, or was it starting to get hotter? Did marshmallows sweat?

"Well, if you hadn't noticed, Boss, we're kind of all stuck together here, and in order to get out of this, intact, we can't do it individually. If we do, it'll be like Danny said, on the pointy end of a stick hoisted over a hot fire," Kono said, and Steve could hear the eye-roll even if he couldn't see it. He wondered what they actually looked like. If they had faces, or if they appeared to be standard, everyday marshmallows.

"So, if we work together we can become the Stay Puft Marshmallow man?" Danny asked skeptically. His voice sounded a lot less shaky, now that Kono had stopped bouncing around.

"No, I think that if we make this entire bag of marshmallows one big, massive marshmallow, we will avoid becoming s'mores, which will at least give us a better chance at saving these girls from that maniac," Kono said.

"So, what, we're supposed to think hot thoughts, or something?" Danny asked. He sounded tired, and Steve's heart clenched. He _had_ been neglecting Danny lately.

"That's a start," Kono said a little too cheerfully. "Maybe you and Steve could ah..." she cleared her throat, and Steve groaned.

"Kono." Steve wished that he had arms and legs, so he could throttle the young lady. "Now is not the time for Danny and I to -"

"Get all hot and bothered?" Chin supplied, coughing to hide his embarrassment.

Steve sputtered, and Danny squawked, and Kono laughed out loud.

"Or, maybe a little jiggy?" Kono suggested.

"Oh, my god," Danny moaned. "I am not going to 'get it on' or 'get jiggy' with Mr. Puff, here. I mean, I don't even...how...just...no, no, no. I...Chin? Steve, please help me out here."

"Mr. Puff? And who exactly would you be, then, Danny? Mr. Fluff?" Steve couldn't help but get angry at his partner.

"All I'm trying to say, here, _Steven_ , and little Miss Lolita, and Dr. Love, is that there is no way that Steve and I can get on with _anything_ in our current state of being, let alone what you are insinuating. In case you may have missed the past twenty minutes or so of our lives, but we are MARSHMALLOWS. M-A-R-S-H-mallows. Marshmallows do not 'get it on,' and they most certainly do not get 'jiggy' with each other." Danny's marshmallow body grew along with the angry tenor of his voice until Steve was afraid that he'd burst through the packaging if he got too upset.

"Danny, calm down," Steve said. "Look, I think that what Kono and Chin are suggesting is that we kind of, just, uh... _merge_ with each other?"

"Yeah." Chin cleared his throat. " _Merge._ That's all that we're asking. Isn't it, Kono?"

"Why do I feel like a voyeur?" Kono asked. "I wish that I had hands, so I could put them over my eyes, and peek through my fingers, though, I can't actually really _see_ anything in here. It's all just a white mass of, well, white. Though, I can see out of the package, a little, I've got a lovely view of the underside of the top of the trunk."

Steve cleared his throat.

"But, I digress," Kono hastened on in her speech, "and maybe you guys can't actually do anything. You know, maybe we should just get Danny and Steve to argue again..."

"Kono, do me a favor?" Danny asked.

Kono coughed. "Yes, Danny?"

"Shut up."

"I can totally do that," Kono agreed. "This is me, shutting up."

"So, Steven, what do you say we try to 'merge'?" Danny asked.

"What? Here?" Steve did _not_ squeak. He did not. It was a combination of his marshmallow voice and the slightly tighter quarters that made him sound as if he had.

"Look, you're part of why we're in this mess, and you have to admit that you and Danny haven't exactly been seeing eye-to-eye recently, and Chin and I can't..." Kono swallowed audibly. "I mean, even if we were in closer proximity to one another, I just... ugh. Look, Boss, just do it for the team? For Hawaii? For your country? Please?"

"Do it for the team?" Steve repeated in another not-squeaky tone of voice.

Danny laughed, and then sobered up quickly. "Tensions have been high lately, and honestly, I've missed you - us. Fuck, I think I'm getting all mushy. My brains have officially turned into marshmallow fluff. Tell me this is not going to be permanent."

"It is not going to be permanent," Chin deadpanned. "Now, for all of our sakes, would you two heat things up in here? Kono's rambunctious actions only managed to melt us all just a litltle. We need to generate a lot more heat if we're going to become one massive marshmallow brick."

"Marshmallow brick?" Steve tried to envision it in his head, tried not to think about what Kono and Chin were waiting for him and Danny to do, or _how_ they were going to manage to do it as marshmallows. It was bizarre, and Steve hoped that Maui would have a change of heart and magically transform them back to their human forms.

"Would a little mood music help?" Kono asked in a small voice. "'It's getting hot in here, so take off all your -'"

"No, it would not," Danny responded firmly.

"Maybe if you two just think sexy thoughts?" Chin said.

"Think sexy thoughts, sure. Right now I'm roughly the size of a thimble, and I feel like a bloated whale that's been vomited onto the beach, and is currently roasting in the sun. All I can think about is this 'jousting tournament' that my daughter showed me on YouTube where you put a pair of Peeps together in the microwave, you know after inserting a toothpick in each of them, and start the microwave and then watch them poke each other with the toothpicks once they've swelled, roughly, to the size of a misshapen baseball. That's two and a half minutes of my life that I will never get back. Why couldn't Maui have made us into Peeps? The rabbit ones, not the little chicks. Then we'd have legs, and arms, and drawn on eyes, which would be something to work with," Danny's voice petered out, and he took a deep breath.

"Danny, we're all in the same boat, here," Steve said. "I know that you're nervous about this. I am, too. What Kono's suggesting might not even work, but it's all we've got. I love you, Danny."

"And I love you, too, Steven, but that's not the point. I'm not sure how exactly we're supposed to _merge_ with each other. We're _marshmallows,_ just in case you've missed the memo," Danny said, stating the obvious, and giving voice to Steve's misgivings. "And just because we're marshmallows, doesn't mean that you need to get all sappy on me, buddy. _I love you_? Really?"

"Fine, Danny," Steve said. "Let's do it for the team, or our country, then."

Not sure if it would work, but throwing caution to the wind, Steve concentrated on moving his marshmallow self as much as he could so that he would be 'facing' Danny. It wasn't easy, because, like Kono, and like the others, he could only see a mess of white blobs, which had started to stick together.

"We can do this, Danno," Steve said, voice growing husky as he thought about the last time they'd been together, nearly two weeks ago.

It was before the case which had led them to this, had started. It had been a time consuming case, and tensions had run high within the whole team. They'd all been snapping at each other, and had lost sight of what they all meant to each other, and that they were, when all was said and done, 'ohana.

Tensions were still running high, and if they were unable to catch this man who preyed on children tonight, then Steve worried that the team might fall apart. Maybe that's what Maui and Lono had seen when the gods had approached his team with this assignment. They hadn't given them many details, beyond the threat to the girls, and the atrocity that would happen if the man Five-0 had been trying to track down wasn't stopped tonight. What they'd been told was enough to make their blood run cold, and they had agreed to work as the gods' guardians on this case without second guessing it. Steve was now second guessing their willingness to do the gods' bidding without getting more details ahead of time, but there was no going back, even if they failed.

"Maybe we should just try rubbing against each other?" Steve said. "You know like that one time when we -"

Chin cleared his throat, and Kono made a strangled sound that Steve found hard to interpret. Did Kono want him to stop his reminiscing, or continue?

"Guys, could you keep it down a little? Maybe whisper or something? Not that I mind being a fly on the wall, or anything, but I think that you're making Chin uncomfortable," Kono said with a nervous chuckle.

"This from the woman who suggested that we 'get jiggy'," Danny teased. "So, rubbing?"

"Yeah," Steve breathed the word out, and tried to focus, not on the rounded white walls surrounding them, or the sticky closeness, or the fact that Kono and Chin were somewhere nearby, but on Danny, the man that he really did love, no matter what shape Danny took, or how mad he got, or how difficult he could be at times.

"Rubbing, huh?" Danny's voice was low and seductive, and Steve could feel himself, along with Danny, heating up as they started to rub up against each other.

It was as awkward as a first kiss, more so, actually, and felt nothing like getting to first or second base, or even third base. The lack of hands, hell, any appendages, made the act seem almost obscene in nature. He felt like he was on fire, and, for a second, he feared that this rubbing against Danny was a hallucination, that maybe this was his imagination playing tricks on him, that he was, in reality, being dangled from the tip of a rudimentary carved stick, flames licking at him, charring the outer white layer so that he could be 'skinned' and the crunchy outer layer consumed as he was placed over the fire again, and set aflame, only to have the flames doused on the back of a thick chunk of chocolate and the hard, crunchy surface of a graham cracker.

Still, they continued to rub up against each other, and it was one of the more intense, intimate feelings Steve had ever experienced with Danny, with anyone. There were fireworks somewhere. He felt and saw them. Heard them booming in the small confines of the packaging within which they were entrapped.

It was just when he felt like he was about to explode that Chin and Kono's voices, hoarse, maybe from calling out more than once, came through, interrupting the fireworks, the impending implosion, his becoming one with Danny.

"Bosses, I think that's enough. You can stop now," Kono's voice cracked on the last word.

Danny either hadn't heard, or simply didn't want to stop, because he kept moving, and, though Steve wanted to continue this until the end, until they'd both spontaneously combusted, bursting from the package in a single gooey mess of melted goodness that stained the inside of the troop leader's trunk, he stilled, knowing that, eventually, Danny would stop moving against him, and the almost overwhelming sensations that made him feel like he was burning from the inside out would cease.

"Wha-" Danny's voice was wrecked, and he stopped mid rub, trying to understand what had happened, why Steve had stopped moving against him.

"Guys, you've done enough." Chin's voice sounded strained. "Any more, and I think we're all going to become casualties of...whatever that was... spattered on the inside of this lady's trunk."

Steve felt as though part of him was actually pressed deep inside of Danny, and as though, in a manner of speaking, they were a single entity. One giant marshmallow. He'd seen a package of them once. Jumbo. They were now jumbo marshmallows, all gummy and adhered to each other in a single blob of rounded edges.

They'd done it, and, though he felt a stab of pride, he also felt intensely uncomfortable. He didn't mind becoming a hot, sticky mess with Danny, but he _did_ mind sharing that experience with a package of interloping marshmallows, and it was more than a little disconcerting having Chin and Kono bear witness to whatever it was that he and Danny had actually done. The phrase, making love, somehow seemed inadequate. They'd experienced something deeper than that. Something at the visceral level. Primal, all raw heat, and a merging of, not only bodies, but of minds, and souls.

"You guys really generated a lot of heat," Kono said, and were they not marshmallows, Steve knew that she would be blushing. "I feel like I've got my back pressed against a wall. It gives a little, but it's still a wall. I think you two are located somewhere in the middle of the marshmallows, but Chin and I are on the outside edges of the package, and let me tell you, it's getting hot in here."

"It's hot over here, too," Steve said, voice quiet.

"Real hot," Danny uttered. "Steve, I -"

"Don't worry, Danny, we'll get out of here, and I'll apologize to Maui; maybe next time he won't change us into something that little kids eat. I guess it's a good thing that we weren't slated for hot chocolate, or Rice Krispee bars," Steve said, trying to lighten the mood, and stave off Danny's panic attack before it could begin. He was surprised that Danny hadn't already had one. Being in such a tight, unforgiving space with no way out, had to be wearing on the man's nerves, add to that the fact that he was a relatively helpless marshmallow, and it was the recipe for a disaster. Or, it should have been, but Danny had not caved, at least not yet.

"You good, Danno?" Steve whispered, not wanting the cousins to hear.

He wanted to hold Danny and almost laughed at the absurdity of his thoughts. He couldn't be any closer to Danny than he already was. They were, in effect, glued together. Where one of them ended, the other began, or maybe they had really and truly merged, no seams, no ends, just a single McDanno marshmallow.

Danny let out a shuddering breath. "Yeah, just wondering how we're going to stop this maniac, and wondering what the fuck just happened between us. I mean...wow, Steve, babe. I...there are no words."

"Fireworks," Steve said, wishing he could kiss Danny, and wondering what Danny would taste like right now. Would he still taste like the Danny that he'd kissed the other day, or would he be sweeter?

"Yeah, fireworks, and god, I felt like I was on fire, Steve, and I didn't care. I wanted to burn," Danny spoke the words as though they were a confession.

"Guys, I don't know what it is that you're doing, but I'm starting to get a little more bloaty than I want to be, and I'm already feeling self-conscious enough as it is," Kono said. "Please stop. I will never complain about swollen ankles or feet again, once we get back to our normal selves."

"I'll hold you to that," Chin said.

"How are you doing, Chin?" Steve asked.

"I could use some fresh air. The car's stopped moving, but no one has opened the trunk yet. I think that they're getting everything else in the camp setup. We may be in for a long wait," Chin said.

Steve hadn't noticed that the car had stopped moving, but he _had_ been a little busy at the time, so he hoped that it would be forgiven him. They had to work on a game plan, though, now that they were at the campground.

"We need a plan of action," he said. "My unintentional insult to Maui aside, he and Lono would not have made us into marshmallows if it would be impossible for us to stop our target. I'm thinking that Kono was right on the money about Maui having an ulterior motive, and this is probably supposed to be a lesson for us."

"Team work, bonding, you two becoming more solid as a couple," Kono listed the reasons she felt were behind the absurd transmogrification.

"But why would Maui and Lono care about Steve and I?" Danny asked the question that was on Steve's mind.

"Because, together, you two are an indomitable force. The closer and more in tune you are with each other, the stronger you become," Chin said. "When your souls are merged together, harmony is achieved; think about all that you could do if you were more in tune with each other on that level. As Heraclitus once said, 'Couples are wholes and not wholes, what agrees disagrees, the concordant is discordant. From all things one and from one all things.' It isn't Maui and Lono who need you and Steve to become a harmonious couple, Danny, it is Hawaii herself that needs this."

"What about you and Kono?" Steve asked, feeling as though something had shifted and righted itself inside of him. It left him a little dizzy, and he wondered if Danny had felt it, too, or if he would approach this idea as he had some of the island beliefs that he'd scoffed at when he'd first moved to the island. He'd come a long way in the intervening years, but Danny was still a boy from Jersey when all was said and done, and that's part of what Steve loved about him, and part of what he hated at times.

"We're part of your 'ohana. The support and backbone. Without us, there would be no family. Hawaii needs all four of us," Chin said. "And she needs the two of you to be at your best and strongest. You're at your strongest when you're together, working in concert with each other, like instruments in a symphony."

"Wow, that's deep, cuz," Kono murmured.

"Huh, if you're the backbone, would that make Steve and I the heart, then?" Danny asked.

"The heart and soul," Chin stated, and Steve could hear a smile in the older man's voice.

"That's kind of...daunting," Danny said.

"But it's nothing that the two of you, together, cannot handle," Chin assured him.

"With your and Kono's help," Danny said.

"With our help," Chin agreed.

Steve cleared his throat, not wanting to end this moment of mind-reeling revelation, but needing to get a plan in place before the trunk was opened and they were carted out with the rest of the food, hopefully not tossed into a garbage can. "None of us would be who we are, and where we are, uh, that is -"

"What Steve is trying, but failing to say, is, thank you, Chin, for your astute observations, but we need to figure out what we're going to do to stop a killer from claiming nine lives tonight," Danny finished Steve's thought.

"Well, I was thinking," Kono said a little hesitantly. "Now that we're kind of all glued together, maybe we could figure out how to roll, or move the bag in some way? And freak out the killer, or maybe just trip him? Crap, that sounded better in my head. I'm sorry guys."

"No, it's a good idea, Kono," Steve said, his mind supplying blueprints and combat moves that he'd learned when he was a SEAL. Without any visuals, other than gooey, mountainous mounds of tacky white, it was difficult to plan a tactical offense, though. Whatever happened, they'd be going in virtually blind, and at an extreme disadvantage, which would teach them not to rely solely on their senses. Perhaps another lesson that their godly benefactors wanted them to take away from this experience, provided that they didn't fail in their task, or die trying.

* * *

"You will intervene should their lives be in mortal danger, yes?" Lono asked Maui as he regarded the team. He was impressed, overall, with the conclusions that the youngest and oldest on the team of guardians had made; they were spot on, but the two cousins _did_ have old souls, and were native to the islands, and the other two were young and impulsive, much like his companion, Maui.

"Yes, Uncle," Maui said. "It is not my intention that anyone should die tonight."

"Then why, pray tell, did you make your chosen guardians into something so vulnerable?" Lono asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear it from the younger god, because Maui, too, had a lesson to learn in this. A lesson, which, given the boy's temperament, would more than likely need to be repeated several times before it finally sank in. And because Maui was under Lono's purview, it fell upon his shoulders to teach the younger god the ropes, and bring him before the council for discipline should that be necessary. He hoped that it would not be necessary.

When Maui didn't answer, but shifted from one foot to the other and squinted as he watched the trunk open, and the removal of the goods, including the bag of marshmallows that held Hawaii's guardians in it, Lono cleared his throat and placed a hand on the younger god's shoulder. Maui was stubborn and had a quick temper, which is what Lono wanted the boy to confess to, that he hadn't acted with a sound mind, but in a fit of rage.

Maui shrugged Lono's hand off and paced back and forth in front of the looking glass that allowed them to glimpse into the world of the mortals. He chewed at a hangnail, and wouldn't meet Lono's eyes.

"The truth, Maui," Lono said. "Why give them such an important task and then cripple them in such a way as this?"

Maui shrugged, and looked at Lono out of the corner of his eye. "To do what Kono said, teach them how to work together, and help Steve and Danny become a stronger couple," he said haltingly.

Lono chuckled and shook his head. Pointing a finger in his companion's direction he said, "I did not ask for half truths, and fancy deflections. Is it as the guardians said? Did you act in anger when you gave them their assignment, because of what your chosen leader, Steve, said?"

Maui glowered and turned his back on his mentor. His shoulders hunched over, and he muttered, "Maybe."

Lono placed a hand on Maui's shoulder, and this time it was not shrugged off. He pulled the younger god toward himself, and ran a comforting hand through Maui's wild hair, tucking the smaller god beneath his chin. Placing a kiss on top of the irascible god's head, he held him for a long moment, before pushing Maui back far enough for him to look the younger god in the eyes. The golden rimmed orbs were filled with raw emotion - like the volcanoes locked beneath the oceans, ever roiling and bursting forth, creating new lands with destructive, explosive force - and Lono was momentarily distracted.

He rubbed the younger god's arms, and smiled at him, letting Maui know that he still loved him, even though he was disappointed in the choice that he had made with regard to his charges. The champions that Maui had hand picked, and Lono had reluctantly approved of, to guard the home of their people.

"You're disappointed," Maui said in a sullen voice, lower lip protruding.

Lono poked at the lower lip and pressed a kiss to the younger god's lips. It was chaste and nothing out of the ordinary between them, but Maui's breath hitched in his chest, and his eyes filled with tears.

"I didn't mean to do it. Not really. It's just he made me so mad," Maui said, fire blazing in his eyes as he recalled what Steve had said.

"The mortal hurt your feelings," Lono said. "Maui, you cannot lash out like that every time someone hurts your feelings. Especially not when a mortal is involved. They are fragile, and their bodies cannot withstand what ours can. What if, one day, something I say offends you? Or what about your sister, Pele? What will you do to us to put us in our place, as you've done with your Steve and Danny and their friends?"

Maui's eyes grew wide and he shook his head, a horrified look on his face. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, Uncle. I love you."

"But you would hurt those you chose from the world that we protect, because one of the mortals made a comment about your stature? What was it that your Kono said he'd called you? A shorty?" Lono asked, a teasing tone underlying the more serious tenor of his voice.

It was a serious matter, not only were the four guardians' lives in danger, but that of eight children, and one young woman, who, if the guardians failed in their work, would be lost forever, their stars snuffed out before they had even begun to shine. They were all precious, each a star in her own right, but one in particular would be a great loss to the world should she be killed tonight. That was not for the mortals to know, though. That was a knowledge only for the gods.

A tear slipped down Maui's cheek and Lono thumbed it away. He held the younger god, wouldn't let him look away, though he tried to. "You cannot allow your temper to run away with you, young one, and not because the council will intervene and you will have to face the disciplinary panel, but because it is not right, Maui, and it is time for you to learn to control your temper."

Maui sniffed, but nodded, his cheeks ruddy with embarrassment over the chastisement. Lono had done the right thing in not bringing this to the council yet.

"Besides, you are a shorty," Lono teased, pulling the boy to him and holding him until the tears subsided and he let out a watery chuckle.

"Am not," Maui said when he pulled back.

"There's nothing wrong with being short of stature," Lono said, and he held up his hand to forestall any further arguing, pointing, instead, toward the looking glass.

The bag of marshmallows was being discarded on a table, a look of disgust crossed the young woman's face - the troop leader - when she examined the ruined bag of marshmallows. "I knew I should have put them in the cooler," she said quietly. In a louder voice, she called the girls to the picnic table. Lono smiled at their enthusiasm, at the vigor of the youth who joined their leader around the table.

"I'm afraid that I have some bad news," she declared, in an overly dramatic voice that made it sound like she was about to announce that someone had died. If the circumstances had been different, Lono might have laughed when the girls exchanged worried looks and made wild guesses as to what the bad news could be.

"The marshmallows have suffered a dreadful end. I'm afraid that we won't be able to make s'mores tonight," the leader said. She held up the bag of melted marshmallows, and Lono noticed that it was moving, minutely, but enough for him to see that it was moving independently of her actions. He wondered if the woman had noticed, but she placed the bag back on the picnic table, giving the girls an apologetic look when they groaned, and complained about their lost treat.

Maui drew in a deep breath, and blinked at the scene that unfolded, and Lono smiled to himself. The boy was learning that when he let his temper loose, without thinking, it impacted more than just his intended target. Something that the members of the council could not teach him through a punishment that would have little to do with Maui's actions. Real life consequences would teach the boy what the council never could.

"I didn't know that would happen," Maui said.

"You did not think your actions through to all possible outcomes," Lono said, directing the younger god to turn his gaze away from him and back to their charges.

"I didn't," Maui admitted.

"Girls, I know that you're disappointed, but we can go into town tomorrow and pick up another bag of marshmallows, and have s'mores tomorrow night," the leader said, raising her voice to be heard over the girls' upset murmurs.

"Does everyone have their tent mate?" The girls rose their hands, and stood by their chosen tent mate. "Good. Let's get a campfire started, and we can enjoy some hot apple cider, popcorn, and tell some ghost stories. How does that sound?"

The girls cheered, a little less enthusiastically perhaps than if they could have their precious s'mores, but they hustled to do their part in getting the campfire, and the treats, ready.

Maui tensed beside him, and Lono placed an arm over his shoulders, offering support.

"Do not intervene unless it proves to be necessary," he advised as he decided to follow his own advice to the younger god and not act rashly.

The obvious thing to do would be to turn the guardians back into their human forms. They were facing impossible, nearly insurmountable odds, given the fact that they were stuck inside of a bag, literally adhered together. But they were working together, Lono could see the evidence of it, even if he could not hear their conversation over the roaring of the fire and the chatter of the girls. The bag of melted marshmallows was inching toward the edge of the picnic table. Slowly, but surely.

Maui clutched the edge of the looking glass, and leaned closer. "What if -"

"Watch to see if they can pass this 'test' that you gave them," Lono said, pulling Maui back from the glass so that he would not topple over into the world of the mortals. Lono would be unable to keep a breach of that magnitude from the council, and the ensuing punishment for the younger god would be harsh and long. The elder gods did not factor intent into the meting out of justice.

Maui reached for Lono's hand, and he let him crush it as they watched the killer who had been preying on Hawaii's youth for the past several months, approach the group from the shadows. The bag of marshmallows was teetering on the edge of the picnic table, and Lono could feel Maui's heart pounding beside him.

"I should -"

"Wait, child," Lono scolded, holding the younger god close so that he could not intervene. If it came down to it, Lono would fix what Maui had foolishly done, but Lono had a feeling that there was no need for an intervention, just yet, that, whatever had taken place between the first and second of command within the team of guardians had made the group stronger. Maui may have acted rashly, and out of hurt and anger, like a child having a temper tantrum, but something good had come of it. Lono could sense it. There was magic in the air that had not come from the gods, but had been generated by the team of guardians themselves.

"I can't watch," Maui said, and he moved the hand not clutching Lono's to clamp over his eyes, but Lono moved behind the boy and held both hands down by his side.

"You can, and you will," Lono commanded. "You did this, you will see it through to the end. These are the guardians that you chose, and you will not abandon them in this."

Maui shivered, but nodded and squared his shoulders. The younger god took a deep breath, and Lono eased his hold on him, though he did not move away, and he let Maui lean back against him.

"Watch them, they will not fail," Lono said with confidence, impressed in spite of the circumstances and the situation that could lead to his own discipline should things not work out they way that they needed to. He hadn't thought much of the team that the younger god had picked out when Maui had shown them to him, and had doubted that they would be able to work together as they needed to, but the boy had been right, there was something about them that just worked.

"How can you be so sure?" Maui asked.

"How can you doubt your decision so easily?" Lono asked. "This is the first task you set for them, is it not?"

Maui nodded.

"And you have also given them a trial to overcome, have you not?" Lono rubbed a thumb over Maui's wrist, and the boy's shoulders relaxed a little.

"I didn't mean to, though," Maui argued.

Lono slapped the back of Maui's head. "Whether you meant to or not, you have chosen to make their first assignment a trial as well. A god's decision, whether made out of anger or of a sound mind, is a decision, nonetheless, and as a god, we must stick to our decisions, and not claim that they are something other than what they are. And we must see them through to the end."

"Yes, Uncle." Maui rubbed the back of his head and scowled up at his mentor, and partner.

"You are testing your chosen, and that is a right of the gods; now you must see if they can pass this difficult test which you have set for them," Lono said, lips tickling Maui's ear, making the younger god shiver.

"And if they don't pass?" he asked.

"Then you search for other, better guardians," Lono said. "Guardians worthy of you."

Maui narrowed his eyes and leaned closer to the looking glass, Lono let him move, but kept close enough to pull him back if it was necessary. Maui was impetuous, and had a lot to learn, but he wouldn't learn it if Lono didn't give him some leeway, and let him make his own choices - even poor, or misguided ones.

"They will not fail," Maui said, voice filled with conviction.

Smiling, Lono pressed up against Maui's back and looked over his shoulder. The bag of marshmallows was still teetering on the edge of the picnic table, and the girls' laughter-filled voices were competing with the crackling of the fire. Not a single one of them could sense the danger that lurked nearby, the cracking of a twig went unnoticed, and Lono felt his young companion stiffen in anticipation, his hands clenching and unclenching in fists as he warred with his own instincts to intervene.

"Let them prove themselves worthy of your notice," Lono whispered. "Let them show you that you made the right decision."

The killer stepped out of the shadows and stood for just a second, maybe two, beside the picnic table, but that was all the time that was necessary for him to be stopped by a bag of marshmallows commandeered by Steven McGarrett, Danny Williams, Kono Kalaukaua and Chin Ho Kelly.

When Lono and Maui would recall the series of events that took place next, later, before the council, the other gods would laugh at the absurdity and call it a comedy of errors, in spite of the serious nature of the events that had led up to it, and the dire consequences that could have happened had the mortal guardians failed. Maui would be sentenced, and serve out a short punishment for acting rashly, and Lono would wait for him, watching over the young god's guardians until his return, and then welcome him back to the home they shared above the heavens.

Years later, when asked about the unique series of events that had led to Maui's guardians gaining the illustrious notice of the elders, Maui would retell the story with great humor and a cautionary tone for the younger, less experienced gods, with Lono standing by his side, smiling down on him.

But, that is a tale for another time, and not for mortal ears to hear, or eyes to read.

Maui and Lono both leaned over the looking glass, watching the guardians carefully as the bag of marshmallows launched itself at the killer.

* * *

"We do this on my count," Steve said.

"Steve, maybe we should let Chin or Kono do the countdown on this one," Danny said. "They're the ones with the view of the outside world, limited as it is. Let's face it, we don't have the vantage, they do."

Steve sighed, but conceded. "Fine, Kono, Chin, you do the countdown. Does everybody understand what they are supposed to do when we see this asshole coming?"

"Yes!" all three of them shouted in unison.

"Good."

"Steve, he's heading for the girls," Kono said.

"On my count," Chin said, starting the countdown.

Each of them put their full weight, such as it was, into their assigned action, and, if they hadn't been there when it happened, none of them would believe any of it.

Danny rocked forward, into Steve, who rocked backward, Kono surged backward, against the plastic that was at her back, and Chin pushed himself upward, and the bag of marshmallows flew up into the air, smacking the killer in the face.

Startled, he swiped the bag away, and it landed on a branch that launched the bag into the air a second time only to land hard on the ground in front of the killer's feet, tripping him, and sending him, sprawling, face first into the campfire.

The girls, alerted to the danger that they were in by the killer's cursing, before he had fallen into the fire, took off running in several different directions. Backing away from the danger, once she was certain that all of the girls had gotten away, the troop leader reached for her cell phone, hoping that she wouldn't have to leave the area to make the 911 call. A quick look around verified that the girls were running toward their designated safe zone, and though she was shaky, and terrified, she made the emergency call, grateful that she got reception on her cell, and walked to meet her girls at the safe zone, talking to 911 dispatch as she went.

The killer flailed in the fire, cursing and shouting at the gods and everything else he could find to blame for what had happened. Unfortunately for him, the twisted bag of marshmallows that had felled him was tangled up in his feet, making it impossible for him to get up and out of the fire. By the time that the police arrived, and the girls were being cared for by the paramedics who wanted to make sure that none of them were suffering from shock, the man had died.

One of the officers lifted the bag of marshmallows after the body had been bagged and tagged, and the campfire doused. He handled it with gloves, in case it was evidence. He nodded to his partner. "Hey, you think this is what did him in?"

The other officer laughed. "Come on, Kenji, you aren't going to stand there and tell me that you honestly think a bag of marshmallows managed to take down the serial killer that's been haunting our island for the past couple of months? No way, man, that's ridiculous."

Steve was too tired and sore to comment, or set the young HPD officer to rights, not that the young man would have heard him if he'd tried. He hadn't heard anything from Kono and Chin since the whole fiasco had started, and that worried Steve some, but he hadn't said anything either, and neither had Danny, and, shit, he should check on his team. If only that young officer - Kenji, was it? - would stop moving them around so much. It was making him dizzy.

"It looks like maybe he tripped over it or something, is all I'm saying," Kenji said, jiggling the bag of melted marshmallows in the air, unaware that he was making the entire Five-0 team extremely sick and dizzy with his actions.

"Sure, a bag of ninja marshmallows took down a criminal when all of HPD and Five-0 couldn't," his fellow officer joked.

Kenji shrugged. "Sounds like something MacGuyver would rig."

Steve groaned. "Did you guys hear that?"

"MacGuyver? Seriously? We did all of that work, and for what, so that junior up there could credit it to some fictional TV character? We did more than MacGuyver the shit out of this bag of marshmallows," Danny said. Though his voice was a little gruff, and shaky, it wasn't lacking in venom.

"I kind of like the comparison," Chin said.

Kono snorted. "You would."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chin asked.

"God I hope that they don't lock us up in evidence," Danny interrupted whatever it was that Kono had been about to say in response to her cousin.

"I think we should tag this for evidence," Kenji said.

"You just had to say it, Danny, didn't you?" Kono said, and it sounded like she was hitting the side of the packaging.

"Fuck, this bag is moving," Kenji said, and he held the bag out at arm's length as though terrified of it. His partner laughed.

"Just toss it in one of the garbage sacks. It's ruined, all of the marshmallows are melted together, and even if it did manage to trip the serial killer, it's not going to give us proof of anything. It's not like the bag of marshmallows flew at the bad guy or anything," his partner said, not bothering to hide the laughter in his voice.

"I'll have you know that we _did_ fly at the criminal," Danny said. "Tackled him, actually. We _are_ kick ass heroes. Even as marshmallows."

"I hope that we don't have to stay like this, though, I mean, the job _is_ done, when do we get turned back into ourselves?" Kono asked, worry evident in her voice.

Steve heaved a put upon sigh, and, if he'd had hands and arms, he would have raised them toward the heavens. If he'd had knees, he would have fallen to them, so that he could properly genuflect. "Maui, I apologize for calling you short. I put my foot in my mouth, and I'm sorry. I was just in awe of meeting an actual god, and, well -"

"Steve, stop before you put your foot in your mouth again," Danny said, somehow pushing up against Steve. "Trust an expert at it, keep your apologies simple, and to the point, or you run the risk of re-offending and -"

A blinding white light filled the copse of woods that the two officers who were arguing over the bag of marshmallows were in, and in the blink of an eye, the two found themselves facing a peeved looking Five-0, who were reveling in the concept of personal space and trying hard not to look like they hadn't just been magically transformed from marshmallows to human beings. The officers blinked at them, and rubbed their eyes.

"Where did you guys come from?" Kenji asked, backing away from them. The bag of marshmallows was still dangling from his fingers.

Instead of answering him, Danny snatched the bag out of the young officer's hands, and pointed a finger toward the other officer. "See this?" Danny waggled the bag in front of the doubting officer's face, and the younger man nodded dumbly. "This, here, is what we police officers and detectives like to call evidence," he said slowly, enunciating every word. "And as such, it needs to be handled properly. Officer..." Danny squinted at Kenji's nameplate, "Matsumoto, take care of this, would you? And as for you, Officer..." he leaned close to the other officer and gave him a look that made him sweat, "Smith, I'd like you to reread the police manual and submit a paper, not to exceed fifteen pages, but not to be under ten pages, about the proper procedures for securing evidence at the scene of a crime. Double-spaced, Times New Roman, twelve point font. It is to be on my desk, no later than noon, this coming Monday. Do I need to repeat anything?"

Officer Smith's eyes grew wide, and he paled under the onslaught of Danny's words. "No, sir," he said, and he followed his partner, as Kenji placed the bag of melted marshmallows into a larger evidence bag.

"Well, that was smooth," Steve said, dragging a hand through his hair, and yawning.

"Somebody had to say it," Danny said.

"And you were cramped up in close quarters for too long," Steve said, reaching out to his partner and rubbing his back. Feeling some of the tension seep from Danny's shoulders, he smiled. "How about if we head home? Get some sleep? Kono and Chin can meet us at our place tonight for barbecue and beers?"

Kono and Chin nodded warily and hid yawns behind their fists as they made their way to the parking lot as a group, walking side by side.

"Shit, how the fuck are we going to get home?" Danny asked, tossing a glare toward the heavens. "None of us drove here."

"Guess we'll just have to ride with HPD," Kono said, smirking at the murderous look that Danny gave her.

"Duke!" Steve spotted the older officer just as he was leaving the woods and waved him over.

"When did Five-0 arrive?" Duke asked, frowning at each of them in turn. "And how?"

Danny waved his hand in the air and pursed his lips. "We decided to hitch a ride with Officers Matsumoto and Smith," Danny improvised, smiling charmingly, "you know, in an effort to build better rapport between Five-0 and the HPD?"

Duke looked at each of them in turn and shook his head, but he didn't call Danny out on his lie, or question them about what had really happened. "Let me guess, you're ready to return to headquarters and would like a ride back?"

"Yes, sir," Steve answered, and stuck his tongue out at Danny when he mocked him behind Duke's back.

"Stop fighting, boys," Chin chided, slapping each of them on the back of the head.

Kono stuck her tongue out at her cousin, and they all burst out into laughter. Duke looked at them as though they'd all sprouted two heads. Steve hoped to god that they hadn't, and that Maui wouldn't do that to them in the future.

"It's been a long couple of days, Duke," Steve said, offering no further explanation for their abrupt presence and lack of vehicles, or their exhausted, disheveled appearance.

Duke just nodded and ushered them into his car without saying another word. He was used to Five-0's quirks, and knew better than to question them. Steve would more than likely tell him it was classified, or he'd get some kind of non-answer.

All four of them piled into the backseat together, though it was crowded and Duke had an empty passenger seat beside him. Danny and Steve were sandwiched between Kono and Chin. To Duke it looked uncomfortably cramped, but the four didn't complain, or make a move to give each other any personal space. It was odd, but Duke decided to keep his mouth shut, and drive.

The four team members fell asleep on the way to Honolulu, Steve, with his arms wrapped protectively around Danny, Kono and Chin with their arms wrapped around the two leaders as though they were sheltering them. It was a sight to behold, but Duke didn't question it, and would never bring it up, because it wasn't a story that he needed to hear. What happened between the members of the task force wasn't any of his business as long as Five-0 continued to do a competent job and keep the islands of Hawaii safe.

To anyone who dared to take a closer look at the four slumbering teammates, it was obvious that there was a connection between them, an invisible thread that linked them all together. Some might call that fate, or even magic, but Duke called it 'ohana.

* * *

Sappy ending. I know. Please let me know if you liked this, and if you'd like to see more of the team as the guardians of Hawaii (I've got this scenario in which they've been turned into dogs that's been hanging around in my head for awhile); no reason for my imagination to run wild if I can't bring others along for the ride on this crazy train.


	2. Smurfity Smurf Smurf Smurf

**Disclaimer:** See initial chapter.

 **A/N:** Not a true crossover. This was a quick write, though I did go back and do some fleshing out and editing, please forgive any remaining errors. This was inspired by a series of exchanges between myself and Frisk15 who asked me about this series, and when I mentioned Smurfs, this is the response that sparked an interest: "Smurfs?! Now I need to bleach my mind. That image will NOT go away easily! (Grover so would be Papa Smurf!)  
;-)". Several paragraphs into the story, I wanted to quit, but I did not, and I kind of sort of like how it turned out. It is also thanks to Frisk15, that I am publishing this (I was on the fence, as per usual, worried): " if you DON'T publish this, I will swim across the smurfing ocean and come at you both guns blazing! Because I think this is smurfing AWESOME!" (thank you for the spark that fired up the inspiration, and for the push to share this with others). Thanks, also, to vinzgirl who recently inquired if I was going to write more stories like the one with the cookies. FYI, I am highly suggestible. Highly. Changed Steve to Hefty Smurf (it suits him better, even though I was just giving Steve, and not Handy Smurf, a tattoo; it just makes more sense to switch it up). Thank you, macberly. Don't know how Hefty Smurf slipped my mind, he was one of my favorites.

* * *

Grover blinked at the blue sky that looked a million miles away, and then down at his feet. His feet were covered in something that looked like red spandex, and his hands were blue.

 _This is a dream,_ he told himself, calmly. _Any minute now, you'll wake up, and you won't be wearing red spandex and sporting a blue, four fingered hand._

He took a deep breath, and looked around, discovering that he was not alone. He didn't know how he knew it, but the four other 'people' he found in the clearing were the rest of the team. All of whom had blue skin and white spandex, and white floppy hats, except for Kono. She was blue, yes, but instead of blue spandex that covered only the lower half of her body, she was dressed in some kind of white, flowery sundress, and had thick, dark hair that flowed down her back.

"What the...smurf is going on!?" Grover shouted, clamping a hand over his mouth when his word of choice was usurped by the word 'smurf'. Apparently he was not allowed to swear.

Kono giggled, and pointed at him. "You're Papa Smurf! And I'm-"

"Kono Smurf," Danny, or the 'smurf' that Grover assumed was Danny, said.

Kono shook her head. "Nope, I'm Smurfette, and you're Grumpy Smurf."

"There's no such thing as Grumpy Smurf."

 _Definitely Danny,_ Grover thought, and he blinked, and pulled at his beard ( _since when do I have a beard?_ ). "Will someone just tell me what the smurf is going on?"

"Maui and Lono," the smurf that Grover assumed was Steve said.

"Can't they, just for once, do something that's...normal?" Danny, aka 'Grumpy' Smurf asked.

"Maui and Lono?" Grover turned toward the 'smurf' he thought was Steve.

"Hawaiian gods," Steve said, shrugging, and giving Grover a look that indicated that those two words explained everything that he needed to know. They didn't.

"Grouchy Smurf," Danny said. "There's a Grouchy Smurf, and a Brainy Smurf, and -"

"Does it matter?" Grover asked. "Can someone explain what the smurf is going on without smurfing around?"

Danny frowned and blinked at him, opened his mouth, closed it, and then sighed. "No, I smurf not."

"This is a dream," Grover said, mostly to himself. It _had_ to be a dream. He'd had a big bowl of spicy chili for dinner. This was the aftermath. There was no other logical explanation for why he, and the rest of Five-0 were blue cartoon-like creatures.

"Chin's Brainy Smurf," Kono said, voice smug and excited. "And Steve's Hefty Smurf, and you're Papa Smurf."

Grover shook his head, and, in spite of the fact that he knew this was a dream, and that it was just a little crazy, he decided to go with the flow, and humor this blue version of Kono. He knew that the human version of his teammate could kick his ass, and then some, blindfolded, with one hand tied behind her back.

"If we were somehow transformed into Smurfs by Hawaiian gods that I've never heard of before, wouldn't Steve be Papa Smurf? He's the team leader."

"Brah, face it, you're Papa Smurf," Kono said. "Don't question it."

"Given that we've been transformed, once again, by the Hawaiian gods, I surmise that there is a task that we must perform to protect the islands," the smurf that was Chin said. "Unless..." he trailed off, and started pacing, blue hands clasped behind his back, muttering to himself.

The only thing that Chin was missing in his current blue form, as far as Grover could tell, were a pair of wire rim glasses, if memory served him correctly. It had been years since he'd seen the cartoon, and he'd never willingly admit to having watched it when he was a kid. He could endure the torture, should it come to that.

"Smurfs, though?" Danny flung his blue arms out wide, and turned a full circle. "What could we possibly do as smurfs that we couldn't do as human beings?"

Kono shrugged, and pulled a lock of hair behind a blue ear. "Something that requires beings that are only three apples high?"

Danny put his face in his hands and groaned. "What, kick someone in the ankles? Thwart a Gargamel-like wizard by bumbling around like a bunch of overgrown blueberries on steroids?"

Steve placed a blue hand on Danny's blue shoulder and said, "Smurf up, Danno, at least in this form we're all the same height."

"Smurf up? Smurf up? Really, Steven, that's all that you've got to say right now? Smurf up, we're the same smurfing height?" Danny shrugged out of Steve's hold, and placed his hands on his hips as he squared off with Steve, who, upon closer inspection, had a heart-shaped tattoo on one of his biceps with the name, Danno running across it like an arrow.

 _Grouchy Smurf, indeed,_ Grover thought. "So, how does this...hocus pocus, or whatever, work?" he asked, shivering at the dark blue color of his arms, and hands. It was unnerving, as was the beard that he found himself wanting to run his fingers through as he thought. Much like the actual Papa Smurf that he'd grown up with as a child.

 _No more midnight snacks._

"Smurf if I know," Danny said, frowning, and dancing just out of Steve's reach. He stuck his tongue out at his partner, and Grover was happy that the tongue did not appear to be blue.

"Maui and Lono have chosen us as the guardians of Hawaii, and, every now and then they call on us in a special capacity to serve the islands of Hawaii and keep them safe," Chin said in grave tones. He'd stopped pacing, and had a serene look on his face, as though he'd figured everything out, and Grover thought that maybe he had. Smurf or not, Chin was level-headed, and smart as a whip.

"It is not always clear why they choose to gift us with various shapes and incarnations until we are aware of the task that we are being asked to perform," Chin added. "Though, I suspect that our current state of being has very little to do with an actual task, and more to do with-"

Danny snorted and threw his hands in the air. "Smurf it all!"

"Danno, what would Grace say?" Steve teased.

"Please, every decent swear word that I want to say comes out as smurf. It's not fair," Danny complained, turning toward Grover as though appealing to him, his blue eyes growing comically wide.

"This isn't happening," Grover said. It was insane. He was insane for believing that any of this was real, even for a split second.

He closed his eyes, counted to ten as slowly as he could, then counted backwards from ten, and then counted to ten again, just for good measure. When he opened his eyes, everyone was still blue, and dressed in white spandex, except for Kono who was still in her white, flowery dress.

"Done swimming in the good old river denial?" Danny asked, giving him a pointed look.

"It's got to be the chili," Grover muttered to himself. There was no other logical explanation. He'd simply have to lay off spicy foods before bed. He knew that he shouldn't have eaten at midnight. Wasn't that what his wife was always telling him, that if he kept snacking when he woke up, he'd end up with heartburn, and he'd have nightmares? He doubted that even his wife would have been able to predict something like this.

"It's not the chili, brah," Kono said, resting a blue, four fingered hand on his shoulder. "We're smurfs, which means-"

"That the Hawaiian gods are smurfing with us," Danny said, raising a fist toward the sky, "yet again."

"The sooner we figure out what it is that we're supposed to do, the sooner we can get back to our normal selves," Steve said. "That's how it usually works."

"If this is a regularly occurring event, why didn't any of you tell me about this?" Grover asked, folding his arms across his chest. He didn't believe that any of this was real, but on the off chance that it was and his teammates knew about it, then why hadn't they warned him that one day, out of the blue, he would go to sleep himself, and wake up...as something else?

Steve shrugged and dug a toe through the dirt. Chin sighed, and took a step forward.

"We did not think that Maui and Lono would include you in these special tasks, because we were chosen by the gods before your assignment to the team," Chin said.

"So, what are we supposed to do as smurfs that we couldn't do as regular human beings?" Grover asked. His head was beginning to throb, and he was starting to feel a bit like an ant in a world of giants. Even the mushrooms were taller than he, and the others, were, and a single blade of grass looked like something he could use to fashion a shelter of sorts.

"I have no idea," Danny said. "Maybe Handy, or Smurfette, or Brainy Smurf can tell us, since they seem to be smurfy with what's going on."

"Calm-"

"The next words out of your mouth had better not be, down Danny, or Danno, or Grouchy Smurf." Danny waved a blue finger in front of Steve's face, making the other smurf go cross-eyed. "You smurf down, Steven. Smurfity, smurf, smurf, smurf!" Danny stomped his feet, and crossed his arms over his chest, which was heaving.

"Whoa, slow down," Kono said, giggling behind a hand. Her cheeks blushed purple, and Grover felt slightly faint, because how could any of this be real?

 _I am never eating chili again,_ Grover promised himself.

"This is not real. C'mon, Lou, time to wake up." He pinched himself, and, "Smurf that hurts!"

"You're awake, and you're a smurf, just like the rest of us. This is real," Kono said, pinching him lightly on the arm, and spinning so that her skirt twirled around her ankles, or what Grover assumed were ankles on a smurf.

"If this is really happening, how can the rest of you be so smurfing calm about it all?" Grover asked.

"Once you've been injured and almost killed as a gingerbread cookie and a marshmallow, you find that you can take things like this in stride," Danny said much more calmly than Grover had expected. Steve's hand was on Danny's lower back, as though offering comfort, or maybe grounding for the other man, smurf, whatever.

"Gingerbread cookie? Marshmallow?" Grover shook his head. He felt dizzy. The world was spinning, and he was standing still, and nothing made sense. He just wanted to wake up, and kiss his wife, and toss out the leftover chili.

"Gingerbread men, and women," Steve corrected when Kono coughed. "And a bag of marshmallows. We saved a group of campers when we were marshmallows."

"Oh, I think I know what's going on," Kono said, turning on her heel. A white high heel to be exact. She snapped two of her pudgy blue fingers and smiled. "This is Lou's initiation into the guardians of Hawaii. Our initiation took place around Christmas time, and we were gingerbread cookies, because, well, because Christmas, and our first operation we were turned into marshmallows because Steve angered the gods, by calling one of them a shorty, and now -"

"Okay, smurf up. I've heard enough," Grover held his hands up to stop the rest of the team from adding their two cents into the discussion, he could see Chin nodding and frowning thoughtfully, silently encouraging his younger cousin's train of thought.

"Let's say that I believe what you're saying, that this isn't some kind of spiced chili-invoked dream, and that it's real, that we've all been transformed by a pair of Hawaiian gods who want us to be the guardians of Hawaii. Why on god's green earth would they make us into smurfs of all things?"

"Because they're smurfitsic smurfards," Danny said, pumping a blue fist in the air, aiming his blue eyes toward the sky, which was still millions of miles away.

"So that they can get a good laugh," Kono suggested, shrugging. "Maui is known for being playful. He's also one of the younger gods, and is more impulsive...ooh, or maybe it's like _Ghostbusters_ , you know when -"

"Fine, okay, so Maui and Lono want me to be part of this guardian of Hawaii thing, how can I get them to make us people again?" Grover asked, not letting Kono finish her train of thought, because no way was he going to admit to having enjoyed watching the Smurfs as a kid.

As hard as it was to believe that any of this was true, he was willing to pretend to believe anything at all to return to his natural state, and wake up next to his lovely wife, and cling to her until the world stopped spinning out of control.

"Lou Grover." A voice thundered from the sky, and the earth shook, and Grover suddenly knew that this was no dream. It was crazy, and impossible, maybe only improbable, but it was no smurfing dream.

Lou blinked at the faces around him. Each blue face reflected a sense of awe. All four of them, serious, and accepting of the voice that came from the sky.

"Yes?" Grover asked, casting his eyes down toward the green grass, which was waist high. He wondered if he'd be a smurf long enough to fashion a dwelling from the grass. An actual grass hut, like some of the people on the mainland thought people in Hawaii lived in.

"You have been chosen by Maui and Lono, gods of Hawaii, to join your friends as a guardian of the islands of Hawaii. Do you accept this calling?" The voice boomed, echoing in Grover's head, filling him with a sense of dread, and awe, and something he could not name.

Before he could answer, Grover felt hands on his back, on his shoulders, supporting him. Raising his eyes, he saw the team, surrounding him, their blue faces smiling encouragingly, their blue fingers squeezing out their support. Bolstered, Grover stood to his full, three apple height, and nodded, red hat bobbing.

"I do," he said, knowing that, even if this turned out to be nothing more than a dream, something inside of him, and in the team, had shifted.

He'd accepted a calling - whether it be from the gods, or from man, or from a bowl of spicy chili eaten at midnight, didn't matter - and more importantly, he'd been accepted, and, Papa Smurf or not, he was now a true member of this team, no matter what form they took, Smurf, cookie, marshmallow, or amoeba.

Not that he was going to encourage the gods to transform them into amoebas, or anything.

Grover felt his skin tingle, and he thought he heard laughter echoing in the clearing around him as he, and the others, were spirited away into darkness of night, or some other plane of existence where time was fluid, and he seemed to be one with everyone, and with the universe itself.

He slept then, and dreamed, not of being a smurf, but of running, one of his old, familiar dreams, and when he woke, he kissed his wife, and held her tight, and tucked a blade of grass that he'd been clutching in a fist behind his wife's ear, content, for the time being, just to watch her breathe.

Dream or not, Grover knew that his life was never going to be the same, and there was a deep sense of foreboding that refused to leave him. Something big was on its way, and Grover would do whatever he could to stand in that gap with Steve, Danny, Kono and Chin. He'd do whatever it took to make sure that his wife and children, hell, all of Hawaii, remained safe.

* * *

"Maui?" Lono ruffled the younger god's hair, and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him close. "Was all of that really necessary? You know you're on probation."

He peered into the looking glass that allowed the gods to check on mortals, and saw the remnants of the world that Maui had spun for his latest chosen guardian. Lou Grover was a strong, proud man, and, while he was not a mortal who'd immediately stand out to the gods, and he was not an addition that Lono would have chosen to guard the Hawaiian islands, Lono had learned not to doubt the choices that the younger god made. Maui might be young and quick to anger, as well as impetuous, but he'd proven to be a good judge of character.

Maui laughed, and kissed Lono on the cheek. "None of them were hurt, Uncle, and it all took place within the span of a human dream. You, as well as I, know what is coming to the islands. We needed another guardian. One who, like the others, is not afraid to do what is difficult, and right, no matter the cost to himself."

Lono nodded, and took a deep breath. It was never easy for him to chastise Maui, especially when the younger, temperamental god had a point. There was a darkness reaching out across the ocean, and the heavens, heading to the islands, leaving death and despair in its wake.

"You made a good choice, Maui," Lono praised.

He turned away from the looking glass, and took Maui by the hand. Kissing the younger god's knuckles, he searched Maui's fiery eyes for any sign of the encroaching darkness, and, finding none, smiled and caressed the younger god's cheek.

Together, they turned toward another looking glass, one that allowed them to survey both the past as well as the future, and every possible permutation that came along with the free will of mortals, and watched the darkness spread, hoping that the guardians would be ready to rise up against it when the time came. If they weren't...much would be lost, not only in Hawaii, but also in the very heavens themselves.

Tightening his hold on Maui, Lono closed his eyes, and prayed strength and enlightenment for the guardians that Maui had chosen to stand in the gap between darkness and light, not only for Hawaii, but also for the gods themselves.


	3. If You Can't Smurf 'em Join 'em

**Disclaimer:** See initial chapter.

 **A/N:** This is an epilogue for the previous chapter, because someone (rungirl60) asked for one, and because it proves to Grover that it hadn't all been just a dream after all. I hope that it is enjoyable.

* * *

Stifling a yawn, Grover walks into his office and stops short in the doorway. Standing on a corner of his desk is a white, red and blue figurine, no more than a foot in height.

He blinks, rubs at his eyes, certain that he's seeing things.

He isn't.

Papa Smurf, or rather a figurine of Papa Smurf, is standing on the corner of his desk, a smirk on his blue face. Grover shudders, and sweat pops out on his forehead.

 _This can't be happening, they can't know about the dream that I had last night. It's impossible,_ he tells himself, panicking when Papa Smurf does not appear to be a figment of his imagination. He hadn't told anyone about the dream he'd had, not even his wife.

Chin, humming a familiar tune that Grover can't quite place, slaps him on the shoulder in passing, and hands him a cup of coffee, as though there's nothing out of the ordinary. As though someone hasn't tampered with Grover's office, as though Grover isn't standing half in and half out of his office, pinned in place by a figurine that he suspects is actually three apples high.

Grover takes a sip of the coffee, thinking that it will help to clear his vision. It's just the way he likes it. He nearly spits out the next sip when he sees that the cup that Chin's handed him features a trio of smiling Smurfs, encouraging him to have a - Smurfy Day.

"Looks like we've got a busy day ahead of us," Chin says, barely cracking a smile, and then he walks away, still humming, leaving Grover to glower at the ceramic coffee cup that he's holding.

Grover glares at the figurine on his desk, wondering which member of the team put it there, and refuses to take another sip out of the coffee cup that seems to be mocking him. He makes no move to walk any further into his office. He isn't afraid. Really.

"It's not going to bite you," Kono says. She hip checks him on the way past, and winks at him.

"Did you do this?" he asks her, gesturing toward Papa Smurf, who is still looking at him.

Kono smiles, and walks away without answering, hips sashaying as she sings, "La, la, la, la, la, la..." which is the same tune, "The Smurfs," theme song, that Chin had been humming earlier.

Grover reminds himself that she can kick his ass with her pinky finger, and that he should not, no matter the circumstances, provoke her. He bites his lip, and doesn't rock the boat that his teammates appear to be in.

 _I'm going crazy,_ Grover thinks. _It wasn't the chili. It wasn't a dream. I need to go to the nearest hospital and check myself in. It's the stress. I've finally cracked._

"It wasn't a dream, you're not going crazy, and you don't need to check yourself into the nearest hospital, or start taking anti-psychotic drugs." Danny pats him on the back, and squeezes his shoulder, leans in close and whispers, "It was all real."

Which does nothing to assuage Grover's fears, because how the hell is Danny reading his mind? Is that part of the whole guardians of Hawaii thing that was mentioned in his dream?

Then Danny winks, and gives Grover a conspiratorial look. "So, do you have a secret Smurf fetish? It's smurfy if you do. I won't smurf a word of it to anyone. Smurf's honor." Danny holds two fingers over his heart.

Danny's eyes are twinkling, and it's clear to Grover that he's trying hard not to burst out into laughter. It does very little to make him feel better about the whole situation.

"No, I do not have a Smurf fetish," Grover mutters, and then it hits him that he had not been hallucinating the whole 'Smurf thing' as he'd started to think of it. If he had been hallucinating, or dreaming, then no one else would know about it.

The chili he'd eaten hadn't gone bad; he hadn't needed to throw it out this morning.

He isn't cracking under the stress of working with some of the craziest people he's ever met (crazy in, mostly, a good way).

None of the 'Smurf thing' had been a dream, and he's not sure how he feels about it. He isn't relieved. Not exactly. Not when Papa Smurf is standing on a corner of his desk, staring out at him, proving to him that last night's bizarre, chili-powered dream, was not, in fact a dream, but something supernatural. Something that he doesn't think he'll be able to wrap his head around without actually going crazy.

If everything had been a dream, then Kono wouldn't have left a figurine of Papa Smurf standing on his desk, Danny wouldn't be teasing him about having a Smurf fetish, and Chin wouldn't have handed him a cup of coffee that told him to have a Smurfy Day, or be giving him a knowing look over the rim of his coffee cup.

"It's smurfy if you do," Danny says, pushing him toward his desk.

Groaning, and not wanting to let the team know just how much all of this is getting to him, Grover walks the rest of the way into his office. Skirting around the corner of his desk, he places the Smurf coffee cup on his desk, and ignores the Smurf DVD that is sitting on the keyboard to his laptop, as well as the Smurf mouse pad that's been used to replace the generic one that he'd had. There are Smurf stickers adorning his laptop and desk, as well as his wastebasket.

It's overkill, but Grover gets the point, and, though he should probably check himself into Queen's Psychiatric Ward, and get the rest of the team fitted for straight jackets while he's at it, he feels oddly grateful, and strangely at peace, and like 'ohana.

It's comforting, knowing that he's not alone in his delusions.

"Ready to roll?" Steve asks as he strolls from his office, frowning at each member of the team in turn, and then shaking his head as though he's above all of their childish antics when he sees the Papa Smurf figurine, and the coffee cup, and all of the Smurf decorations in Grover's office.

Grover wonders if Steve had a hand in any of it. He doubts he'd get a straight answer if he asked.

"Real mature," Steve says, rolling his eyes. "Now, if everyone's finished smurfing around, we've got a murder to solve."

It's as much of a confession, and a 'welcome to the supernatural' as he's bound to get from Steve.

"Smurf on," Danny says. "Oh smurf, my smurf."

"Real cute, Danno Smurf," Steve says, and Grover chuckles to himself, because Danny and Steve bickering in smurf is far more convincing that he hasn't been dreaming than all of the Smurf paraphernalia he's been 'gifted' with.

"Oh for the love of...would the both of you smurf up so that we can get some work done around here?" Grover asks, joining the team in the outer office.

"If you can't smurf 'em, join 'em, right?" Kono punches him in the arm, and leans in close. "I'm glad that Maui and Lono added you to the team."

"Me, too, we could really use another buffer between our two fearless team leaders," Chin says.

Shaking his head, and casting his eyes toward the heavens in a silent plea to gods that he's never met, Grover tunes out Danny and Steve's smurf-littered bickering, and gears up. He has a feeling that it's going to be a long day, and even longer lifetime.


	4. Take Heart

**Disclaimer:** See initial chapter.

 **A/N:** So, I was chatting with Irene Claire and writing to her (in very broad terms) about an idea that I had for a crossover for "Hawaii Five-0" and "We Bare Bears," and she mentioned Care Bears. Hopefully she doesn't mind the mention of this here. I wrote that I didn't really know the Care Bears well, and that I probably wouldn't write anything with the Care Bears and then my muse latched onto the word, 'never,' and said, 'really? challenge accepted.' I found information about the characters at this website: a g kid zone dot com slash care - bears slash characters

 **Warning:** There are slashy scenes in this, but they do not occur while the team is in bear form, and none of the characters are allowed to swear or even think mean thoughts while in bear form. There are also creative spellings of words in this, and some made up words, too.

Grover has a side story in this. It is brief. I am sorry. He did not fit in with the Care Bears, but he did fulfill a necessary role, and perhaps the muse will be so inclined to explore what happened from his point of view in a separate short story.

* * *

Danny stared down at the blue cloud on his white furred belly and the heart-shaped raindrops that accompanied it and sighed. He was a light blue in color, from the top of his rounded head to the toes stitched on his stubby feet.

"You're frowning again," Steve said.

Steve could afford to smile. He could afford to walk around tall and straight, and with a bit of pomp because he was a tawny colored lion with a red heart wearing a gold crown on his white belly patch. He was royalty.

 _More like a royal pain in the..._ Danny was unable to complete the thought in his current state as a child's toy. It was frustrating.

"That's completely unhelpful, you know. Just..." Danny sighed again and swept his paws up in the air and then crossed them over his chest. "This is all completely unhelpful."

"We just need to look on the bright side of things, Danny," Kono said, a little extra cheerfully.

She was a cotton candy pink in color and had a rainbow on her white belly patch. She was the embodiment of cheer and happiness and everything sparkly.

Danny hated it.

Chin, a light brown in color with a big red heart on his belly, offered Danny a smile, and placed a paw on Danny's blue shoulder. "Once we figure out what Lono and Maui have in mind for us, you'll be back to your cheery old self in no time."

Steve snorted, and hid a smile behind one of his massive paws. He swiped a tuft of his mane out of his face, and then blew at it when it refused to be tamed. Danny rolled his eyes at his partner's antics.

"Laugh it up, kitten," Danny grumbled. "And watch that tail of yours, that's the third time, third, Steven, that your wayward tail has wrapped itself around some part of me."

Steve cleared his throat and swiped at his tail, trying to keep it from wrapping around Danny for a fourth time. He shrugged when the tail wound itself around one of Danny's legs, the fluffy tip rubbing against Danny's fur in a way that was probably supposed to be soothing. Danny found it to be just another annoyance in what was becoming a long list of annoyances.

"Just once, I'd just like to tackle an assignment from the gods as myself," Danny said. "I thought we'd made it past the testing stage of this guardian thing."

Chin shrugged. "Maybe this isn't a test this time."

"Are you saying that the best way for us to keep Hawaii safe is as...walking, talking, colorful rhyming, singing, hugging bears?" Danny asked, throwing his paws up into the air and fisting them on his hips.

Chin nodded. "Lono and Maui..."

"Lono and Maui can..." Danny sputtered and almost choked on the words that he wanted to say, but physically couldn't, which Danny was grateful for, because Maui did not handle insults well, and he did not need to be turned into a slug or something. Being a blue bear was much more preferable to being a slug.

"Whoa, Danny, calm down. I think you're turning purple," Steve said.

He slapped Danny on the back, and his tail started to travel up Danny's stubby leg and twist around Danny's soft, ticklish belly.

"Make your tail stop, or so help me, Steven, I'll..." Danny pushed at the tail, trying to remove it from his person, but it only tightened around him. "It's a fricken boa constrictor. Make it stop."

"Relax, Danny," Kono said, her voice a cheerful jingle that jangled Danny's nerves and made him want to lash out just because it was too da...rn cheerful.

"Yes, Danny, I think that the more worked up you get, the tighter Steve's tail wraps around you. I think..." Chin said, trailing off as he walked around Steve and Danny, inspecting both of them with a critical eye.

And then smiling, almost to himself, Chin snapped his fingers. "Yes, it seems as though Steve's way of offering comfort to you in this form is through his tail. It's rather remarkable."

"Remarkable?" Danny feared that if he wasn't already blue, he'd be turning blue what with the way that Steve's tail was practically strangling him in its apparent effort to 'comfort' him.

"Remarkable or not, it needs to stop squeezing or I'll pop, and stuffing will fly everywhere."

Danny couldn't help but think of the time that, as a gingerbread man, he'd been shot, and the injury had remained with him after he'd been returned to his human form. He didn't want to think of what would be left of him if Steve's tail strangled him.

Steve's tail loosened a little, and Danny thought he could see his partner's cheeks turning a faint pink in color, but it could have been a trick of the lighting, or something in his eye, or the general craziness of their situation taking over his mind. Steve did not blush very often.

"D, I -"

"Just, I'm okay now, babe, really, your tail can..." Danny waved one of his paws in the air. "Stand down."

Steve blinked at Danny and smiled in a way that was almost blinding. He pulled Danny close into a real hug and his tail let go of Danny for a moment before wrapping itself once more around one of Danny's legs.

"Wow, boss, that was a wonderful hug," Kono praised. She clapped her hands, and hugged each of them in turn before spinning and then hopping in the air. "I don't know what it is, but I just feel so...cheerful."

Steve nodded. "I know what you mean, I feel like hugging the entire world and keeping it safe." He stood next to Danny and pulled him close with one arm, tucking Danny in beneath his mane.

Danny sighed and huffed and blew at a stray tuft of fur that landed on the top of his forehead. Steve's mane was tickling him, and his tail was still doing that annoying soothing rubbing thing.

"Can we just get this over with, whatever _this_ is, and go on with our lives, our _real_ lives as humans?" Danny asked no one in particular.

"I think I know what it is that we need to do, and why we're -"

"In the shape of characters from a children's cartoon?" Danny interrupted.

His tummy grumbled, and he closed his eyes, hoping that his cheeks had not pinked up the way that Steve's had earlier. He felt something hard press against his paw and opened his eyes to find Steve staring at him from ridiculously shiny eyes that seemed to be filled with light and love and all things sparkly and wonderful. Steve had a granola bar in his paw and his tail was creeping up Danny's leg. It really was too much love and deep concern for Danny, especially in his current form, to take.

Danny growled and tore the granola bar from Steve's paw and stuffed it in his mouth almost whole. When he choked, Steve slapped him on the back, and the tail squeezed his leg in worry until Danny stopped coughing and managed to chew and then swallow the remaining bits and pieces of the granola bar.

Kono handed Danny a glass of water, and Chin watched from his position near their smart computer, leaning against a leg of the table, tablet in hand, waiting. They were much too short to reach the computer table, and Danny wondered how Chin had managed to procure and operate the tablet that he held. The 'fingers' of his paws were thick and clunky.

Danny knew that if Chin had not been in the form of a cute, cuddly brown bear, his face would hold an _'I am not amused, are you finished choking now so we can get back to business?'_ look. One that he seemed to wear often in Danny and Steve's presence. He'd have an eyebrow raised, and his lips pursed, and his eyes would glitter with a touch of impatience. As a bear, Chin looked mildly irritated and somewhat amused, and like someone who could give a mighty fine hug if you asked him to. That, and a firm handshake, as well as good, almost grandfatherly, advice.

"Sorry," Danny said and then he burped and felt himself blushing. He handed the empty water glass back to Kono and pushed off Steve's gentle paw when the handsy lion started rubbing Danny's back.

"As I was saying," Chin said, clearing his throat. "I believe that the gods have transmogrified us into our current shapes because the individuals we are being called to save are children. A group of frightened elementary school children have somehow managed to lock themselves in a utility room and can't get out."

Danny cocked his head to the side and raised a paw. "Uh, why don't the adults just unlock the door and get the kids out?"

The solution seemed as simple as adding two plus two in Danny's mind. He might currently be in the shape of a cuddly, if _slightly_ grouchy bear, but his mind was still as sharp as a tack.

Steve frowned and took a step toward Chin and the tablet, bringing Danny along with him as Steve still had his tail wrapped around a leg, and a paw wrapped around a shoulder. It was stifling, yet Danny simply sighed rather than complain. Complaining would not lead to anything good. Not when Steve's tail seemed to have a mind of its own, and Steve seemed to be extra clingy as the embodiment of a stuffed lion.

"They did unlock the door, but the kids seemed to have barricaded themselves inside of the utility room, and some of the heavier, bulkier items shifted and got wedged up against the door. The janitor thinks it might be a ladder or one of the shelves that's making it impossible for them to get in. The door won't budge more than a couple of inches," Chin said.

He swiped at an image, enlarging it for the team to see better, revealing the tear-streaked face of a little boy peeking from the other side of the heavy-duty door. The door was stuck at maybe an inch and a half open. Another image revealed a grubby hand reaching out through the narrow opening.

"Is that blood?" Steve asked, pointing at the image of a little girl's hand.

Danny leaned over the tablet, blue heart-shaped nose nearly touching it, to get a closer look at the small, pudgy hand.

"Wait a minute, I think...is that..." Danny absentmindedly brushed Steve's tail away from his backside as he mulled over what it was that he was seeing, and then, for the first time since he was transmogrified into a blue bear, he smiled. "Yes, it's jam. Strawberry, if I'm not mistaken."

"Strawberry jam?" The incredulity was thick in Steve's voice, and Danny pressed a stubby finger into the lion's chest.

Nodding, Danny thumped Steve in the chest. "Strawberry jam."

"Are you sure it's just strawberry jam, Danny?" Kono asked, worried.

She shoved her way between her cousin and Steve and Danny and plucked the tablet away from her cousin to take a closer look at the picture and then smiled and danced a little and handed the tablet back to Chin whose mouth was stitched into a straight, unamused line.

"Danny's right, it's strawberry jam, or maybe grape jelly, the quality of the image isn't very good," Kono said.

Danny could feel her relief, and sense of joy, sweep over him, like magic, and from the way that Steve and Chin both shivered, their fur rippling, Danny knew that they'd felt it too. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, but he maintained a frown, even when Kono cupped each of their faces in her hands, turn by turn, and kissed them on the cheek.

"I still say that it might be blood," Steve said, but he looked away when Danny glared at him. "Or strawberry jam," he muttered.

"Okay, so we know that the kids are stuck and where they're stuck. How do we know all of this, and why aren't the adults on scene going in through the ceiling or something?" Danny asked, gesturing toward the tablet in Chin's paws.

"One of the older students filmed some of it, and posted it online. It's gone viral. The nearby fire departments are busy dealing with an out of control fire and emergency personnel are helping with the victims of the fire. There are a couple of police officers on scene at the school, but they've made no headway yet," Chin explained.

"Really? And Lono and Maui think our efforts belong with those kids rather than with those who are helping out with the fire?" Danny threw his paws into the air and tried, in vain, to step away from Steve's claustrophobic grip, but the lion's tail almost tripped him, and Steve's paw was immovable.

"Danny, calm down, buddy," Steve said, stroking Danny's back.

Danny batted Steve's paws away and wrapped his arms around his chest.

"I just don't get it."

He shook his head, and felt thunderclouds roll in his thoughts. It didn't make sense. If the fire was that bad, then they should be there, helping. The adults would eventually find a way into the utility room and get the frightened kids out of it, and they'd be no worse for the wear, but people would die in the fire. He felt it in his heart and gut.

"Danny, the fire is covered. We're needed at that school with those children," Steve said in a quiet, yet majestic sounding voice.

Danny's frown deepened, and he shook his head to clear it. An image of Grace, age three, popped into his head. Gap-toothed smile, dark hair in braids, a few loose strands framing her face, and fat tears tracking their way down her reddened cheeks as she clung to him, terrified after having accidentally locking herself in her parent's closet for hours when she was supposed to be taking a nap. Danny had been at work, and Rachel had been frantic with worry when she couldn't find Grace, who had fallen asleep in the closet, and only started crying once she woke and realized she couldn't get out. He drew in a sharp breath, the terror, and relief as freshly with him in the memory as it had been on that day.

"You're right, I'm sorry," Danny said. "Those kids are frightened. They need us."

"Yes, they do," Kono said, thumping Danny on the back with surprising force and grinning like a lunatic.

"Okay, so, how exactly do we get there?" Danny asked, opening his arms wide, and looking himself, and the others, up and down, noting how the computer table seemed miles away from them at their current, much diminished, height.

"We can't drive there, and I think walking downtown like this is going to draw unwanted attention. All it takes is one kid with sticky fingers, and a love of stuffed animals, and like that, one of us is snatched up and gone." Danny snapped his fingers to emphasize how quickly they could be nabbed as walking, talking stuffed animals.

"Not to mention the people who would think they were hallucinating. We could cause mass hysteria," Kono said. Her mouth formed a perfect little 'O' and her eyes widened slightly. "We can't cause mass hysteria, Chin, we just can't."

"It's simple," Chin said, and he grinned at them. Danny detected a touch of madness, or maybe it was excitement, in Chin's glassy eyes. "We use magic."

Danny blinked at Chin, and then turned to share a frown with Steve. Kono looked overly delighted and like she might start skipping. Danny opened his mouth to deliver a scathing remark that would probably be censored, but Chin held up a paw and locked eyes with Steve.

"Magic?" Steve asked in a voice that rumbled.

"Magic," Chin repeated, nodding. "I used it earlier."

"You did, when?" Kono asked, the corners of her mouth turned slightly downward in a pout.

"How do you think I got the tablet?" Chin asked.

"How did you get the tablet?" Danny asked.

"Magic," Chin said.

Danny wanted to wipe the smirk off of Chin's face. Magic, outside of the stuff that Maui and Lono did (and Danny was of half a mind that what he was currently experiencing, and had experienced in the past was nothing but a very vivid nightmare or hallucination), did not exist. Steve's tail squeezed Danny's leg and then rubbed the back of it consolingly.

"Explain," Steve said.

His voice was definitely growly, and Danny felt himself blushing as that growliness was kind of...nice. Danny sent a silent prayer to Maui and Lono, asking that Steve be allowed to temporarily keep the growliness once they'd been returned to their rightful shapes.

 _No naughty thoughts while in the shape of a beloved children's toy_ , he chastised himself, and focused, not on Steve's proximity, or the way that his tail was almost lazily stroking Danny's lower back in an effort to comfort him, but on Chin and what he was saying.

He missed some of it, and was mildly alarmed when Steve gathered Danny closer still, and they all drew close, pressing their heads together, and wrapping their arms around each other in a huddle. He'd apparently missed _all_ of what Chin had said when he'd gone off on his tangential thought. _Oops._

Frowning, Danny opened his mouth to ask what it was they were doing, but his breath was stolen from him, a bright, rainbow colored light exploded around them, raining sprinkles down on them, and suddenly Danny felt as though he had no body. He was floating, traveling at breakneck speeds along an honest to god rainbow. It was slippy and slidey, and altogether much too dizzying and stomach-upsetting, and Danny was thankful for Steve, the lion's, clinginess because it was the only thing grounding him as they hurtled through space on the arch of a sparkly rainbow.

The ride ended as abruptly as it began, and Danny lost his footing, but Steve caught him, and he shook the lion loose, fur bristling with embarrassment and a mild amount of panic as he realized that, not only had they magically traveled on a rainbow, but they'd been deposited in the dark utility closet. There were half a dozen pairs of eyes staring at the four of them, jaws dropped in shock and wonder before mouths were closed and the children they'd been sent to save smiled widely.

Tears were dried, and one little kid, he couldn't have been more than three or four years old, reached for Danny and pulled him close to his chest. He squeezed Danny so tightly that Danny couldn't breathe. Steve's tail was still wrapped around Danny's leg, and it pulled at Danny even as the little boy squeezed the stuffing out of him, sobbing into Danny's fur, covering him with snot and tears.

"You came, you really came," the little boy sobbed, breath shuddering in his chest.

Danny awkwardly tried patting the little boy's back, but could only reach his arm. "Yes," he managed to eke out the word between one heaved breath and the next. "I...we came."

"Hey, it's okay now, we're here to help you," Steve, ever in charge, even as a stuffed animal, said, and the little boy stopped breathing.

Danny could hear the little boy's heart beating out a frenzied tattoo in his chest, he could feel it through the boy's thin shirt where he was pressed up against the boy. Danny placed a paw between himself and the boy and pushed, breathing a little easier when the boy started breathing, and loosened his hold, just a little, on Danny.

"You can talk," the little boy, Dillon, (the name popped into Danny's head, dare he think it, magically) said in awe.

Steve nodded, and placed a paw on the little boy's knee. It was then that Danny realized just how small they really were. They were child-sized, just the right size to hold tight at night, or hold on a lap, or wiggle through a small gap in the door, though Danny doubted that was what Lono and Maui had sent them to do. They were here to comfort, and console, and to help these children get out of the utility closet using, apparently, magic.

Steve chuckled, and smiled up at the little boy. "Yes, we can talk, and we're here to help you and your friends."

"Really?" a little girl with dark hair and a flower printed dress asked. She had a thumb planted in her mouth, and was petting a smiling Kono who was sitting on her lap.

Chin was sitting on the shoulder of another little boy whose face was covered in freckles. The boy was wearing a thick pair of glasses that screamed, nerd, even at such a young age, but he was smiling as he bore Chin proudly on his shoulder, a dimple gracing one of his cheeks.

The other three children's eyes glittered in the dim light that came through the crack in the door as they inched closer to the talking 'toys' and their friends.

"Are you really real?" another little girl asked. She had an adorable lisp, and reached out to touch Danny's back. She giggled when Danny wriggled around, Dillon's hold now loose enough to give him the wiggle room, so that he could face her.

Danny nodded seriously, and reached out a paw to the little girl who took it and held on as though Danny was a lifeline. "Yes, we're really real, and we're here to help you."

"But, how can you help us? You're just a bunch of toys that can talk," one little boy asked. He scooted out of the dark corner and into the light, his mouth was twisted into a dark frown. He had a smattering of freckles across his nose, and hair the color of muddy water.

"What can you do?"

"What can we do?" Danny asked, incredulous, waving his arms. "What can we do? I'll tell you what we can do, we can move that ladder over there and get you out of here, that's what we can do."

"But, you're just toys," the little boy countered, lips twisting downward and eyes narrowing. "You're so small, and, and..."

Danny shook his head and chopped one of his paws through the air. "It isn't size that matters," he said, ignoring Steve's snort. "It's heart. We have heart, and strength, and -"

"Magic!" Kono exclaimed, bouncing on the little girl's lap. "We have magic, right boss?"

Steve nodded seriously, his tail twitching now that it was no longer wrapped around Danny's leg. The last child, a little girl who'd wedged herself into a corner of the room was eyeing Steve like he was a piece of particularly delicious candy that she wanted to get hold of. Steve was doing his best to keep some distance between himself and the little girl in an attempt to remain out of her reach. She was the girl who had strawberry jam on her hand, and Danny almost laughed at the thought of Steve getting strawberry jam stuck in his fluffy mane.

The skeptical boy scowled at Kono and Steve, and Danny wriggled free from the boy who'd smothered him so that the could walk over to the boy who was scowling at them. Clearly the kid had trust issues, and if Danny was reading the situation right, he'd been told, probably by many adults, maybe some older siblings and bigger students, that he was too little to do a great deal many things. Much as he didn't want to admit it, Danny could relate.

He tapped the boy's foot, and when the boy just scowled harder, and jutted his chin out in stubborn defiance, Danny sighed, and started climbing into the boy's lap. He sat on the boy's knees and positioned himself so that he could look into the boy's eyes. He'd always appreciated it when adults talked to him like he mattered, and looked him in the eye.

In the midst of the skepticism mirrored in the little boy's eyes, Danny could see fear, and a tiny bit of hope. He latched onto the boy's hope, and offered him a slight smile. It felt much more natural for him to scowl and frown in this shape, and Danny could see that the kid was more used to frowning as well. He was dealing with a smart kid. One who did not believe everything he was told, but who questioned everything, incessantly, until he found out the truth and could be certain of it.

"I didn't believe in magic either," Danny said whisper soft so that only the kid could hear him. "But then I traveled here on a rainbow. And to be honest, these guys are all too happy, touchy feely, for me, but they _are_ good, and they mean well. You can trust them. You can trust me."

"I tried to move the ladder," the little boy, Max (the name etched itself across Danny's mind), said. "But, it was too big, and I'm just too small. I'm not big enough to do anything right."

Max was close to tears, and Danny knew that if one of the kids, especially the strong one, started crying, they all would. He did not want to be locked in a room, even for a short amount of time, with six wailing kids.

"One day you will be," Danny said. "And don't let anyone tell you differently. You might not be able to move that ladder now, but one day, you will be big and strong enough to move any ladder that gets in your way." Danny hoped the metaphor wasn't lost on the little kid, that, one day, he'd remember back to this moment and understand what Danny was really trying to tell him.

"I want to be strong and big enough now," Max said. His lower lip trembled. "It was my fault that the ladder fell," he confessed, and he hugged Danny close.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Danny said, patting Max's arm. "It's okay. You didn't mean to make the ladder fall, did you?"

Max shook his head. "No, I didn't. I was just trying to get the ball from the top shelf so that maybe the big kids would let us play with them, but it fell, and then everything fell, and we got stuck, and now we can't get out, and I want my mommy."

"Shh, it's okay, Max," Danny said.

The little boy gasped and moved back so he could look Danny in the eye. "How did you know my name?"

"Magic," Danny said.

"Do you know all of our names?" the little girl with the thumb in her mouth asked, and her name, Mariko, popped into Danny's head.

Danny looked at each kid in turn, and each of their names popped into his head. Kono's delighted laugh and clap relieved Danny, because he'd feared that the children's names were only coming to him.

"I do," Danny said, and pointing at each child in turn, he stated their names, "Dillon, Mariko, Peter, Leilani, and..." Danny winked at the little girl with the strawberry jam as she reached out to grab Steve, "Jordan."

"Hey," Steve exclaimed as he was lifted into the air and hugged tightly against the little girl's chest.

"Don't mind him," Danny said, giggling. "He's just a sour puss."

"Very funny, D," Steve said, voice muffled by the little girl's shirt.

"So, how _are_ we gonna get out of here?" Peter asked. He pushed his glasses on his nose and turned his head to look at Chin who was still sitting on Peter's shoulder.

"Like my blue friend over there said." Chin gestured in Danny's direction. "We're going to use magic, but, and this is very, very important..."

The children leaned in closer to Chin, eyes wide, breath held, lips clenched in teeth, their attention rapt.

"In order for our magic to work, we all have to believe that it will work, okay?"

As one, the children, even Max, nodded. Danny rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms over his chest. Kono's eyes lit up, and Steve's tail twitched.

"That's it?" Peter and Max asked.

"We just have to believe that it will work and it will?" Max rubbed a the soft fur of Danny's paw between his thumb and pointer finger.

"All it takes is a little faith," Kono said. "Just a little."

"But magic's not real," Jordan said, turning Steve around to look into his face as though she could see the truth in his face. "My mama said it wasn't. It's just in books, an' movies."

"Would we be here if it wasn't real?" Steve asked. "Could I talk if magic wasn't real?"

The little girl's brow wrinkled in thought, and then she returned Steve's smile with one that showed off her missing front teeth. "It _is_ real. Magic's real."

"And there's one more thing," Kono said, holding her paw up when Chin opened his mouth. "When this is over, you can't tell anyone that we were here."

"But, why?" Mariko asked.

"Because, no one's gonna believe that we were saved by magic and talking toys," Dillon said, rolling his eyes. "I didn't really think it would happen...but it did."

"What didn't you think would happen?" Danny asked.

"I didn't think that asking you guys to come would work," Dillon said. "But it did. It really did."

"Yes, kid, it did," Danny said.

"Alright," Chin said, interrupting what would not doubt have been a fresh round of questions. "I'm going to count to three, and when I do, we all need to repeat the words, 'Magic, magic in my heart, magic, magic, do your part,' and clap our hands. And remember, you have to believe."

Danny shook his head, and scowled at the look that Chin gave him. It was clear that Chin was silently communicating to him that, not only would he repeat those ridiculous words, but he'd do so with enthusiasm.

 _As if,_ Danny thought, but when the time came for him to say the silly words, and clap, he did, and watched, in almost as much awe as the kids, as the ladder shook, and moved away from the door. To the amazement of everyone, the coveted ball fell from the top of the shelf into Max's arms, and Danny quickly scuttled off of the boy's lap lest he be crushed in the boy's enthusiasm to claim the ball for his own.

"Wow," Dillon's exclamation was echoed by Mariko, Jordan, and Leilani.

Chin clambered down from Peter's shoulder, Kono jumped from Mariko's lap, and Steve did some complicated somersault from Jordan's arms that had her giggling and clapping.

"Remember, we were never here," Steve said, and he gave the children a dashing wink and smile.

Kono hugged each child in turn, and Chin shook each one's hand. Danny allowed each child to hug him, and then he joined the rest of the team in the back of the utility closet as the door flew open, and the concerned adults smothered the children with hugs, lighthearted reprimands, and talk of miracles.

Max squared himself up to his full height, which Danny estimated to be about three feet tall, and hugged the ball proudly to himself. He turned toward the back of the closet as he was ushered out of it and smiled. Though he knew Max couldn't see it, Danny smiled too.

"So...that was..."

"Different."

"Fun."

"Satisfying."

"Yeah," Danny said, hugging his friends close.

This time it felt as though he'd been swallowed by a rainbow, and then spit out backwards and inside out. He was dizzy, and disoriented.

"Does anyone else feel like that rainbow kicked our asses?" Danny asked, and he broke out into a wide grin. "Halle-fucking-lujah, I can talk like an adult again."

Steve laughed, the sound of it tickling Danny's ear. They had landed on top of each other, and Danny struggled to work himself free. Failing, Danny succumbed, and stopped fighting. He laid right where he'd fallen, sprawled atop Steve who had his leg wrapped around Danny's left calf, and his arms wrapped around Danny's back, hugging him close.

"I give up," Danny said with a sigh, kissing Steve. "Even without a tail, you still manage to cling to me like some kind of touch deprived octopus."

Laughing at Steve's pout, Danny ran his fingers through Steve's hair, and brought an index finger to Steve's mouth. "Open," he said.

A questioning look on his face, Steve complied, sucking Danny's finger into his mouth, and then grimacing.

"What flavor would you call that?" Danny asked.

"Umm...strawberry?" Steve asked around Danny's finger.

"Strawberry jam, Steven, I told you it was strawberry jam," Danny said, smirking.

"Danny," Steve said in a growly voice, and Danny thanked the gods.

"Yes, Steven?"

"Shut up, and kiss me."

And that's exactly what Danny did, until Chin and Kono cleared their throats, reminding them that they were, in fact, in the middle of the Five-0 offices and that they should probably wait to kiss the socks (not to mention clothes) off of each other when they were home, and not in a public place.

* * *

"So, Uncle, what do you think?" Maui asked, looking at the older god out of the corner of his eye, worried about his judgement.

He'd made mistakes before, and was still smarting from some of them. Lono had spoken up for him, had stuck by him as the chosen champion for the mortals, for Hawaii, and Maui did not wish to disappoint him, or the others, but mostly, he didn't want Lono to think less of him.

Though he'd promised not to give the guardians he'd chosen for Hawaii any more tests, or put them through unnecessary trials, or make hasty decisions in anger about what shape he'd give them, he had not promised that he wouldn't make things a little fun for himself. Being a demigod did get boring from time to time. Lono understood that. At least Maui thought he did.

Lono clapped him on the shoulder and pulled Maui into a one-armed hug. Kissing the younger god on the cheek, and then the temple, he nodded in approval. "Your Guardians did well. You did well."

Smiling at the praise, Maui straightened to his full height, which was far shorter than Lono's considerable height, and he waved his hand toward the looking glass. In it, they watched the tail end of Steve and Danny's kiss, and then Maui waved his hand over the glass, revealing the children that he'd sent the guardians to save.

Little Dillon's prayer had appealed to him, and though it wasn't a prayer sent up to him, but rather to the cartoon animals that the boy loved, Maui had heard the prayer because of the purity of the prayer, and of the little boy's heart. He had faith. Maui wanted to honor that, so he had.

Other gods might consider what he'd done to be foolish, but Maui knew that saving Dillon and the other children in the way that he had would have a lasting impact on them. Danny's words to Max would be particularly important.

He knew that, in the future, Dillon, Max, Peter, Mariko, Jordan, and Leilani would play an integral part in helping to hold the encroaching darkness at bay. One day, in the not too distant future, the six friends would stand against the darkness and keep it from gaining a foothold in Hawaii.

"Why didn't you send Grover on this errand as well? Did you not accept him as a worthy guardian?" Lono asked. His hand rested on the small of Maui's back, a comforting, supportive weight.

"He was where he needed to be," Maui answered.

"Ah," Lono said, nodding as Maui waved his hand over the looking glass and the scene changed.

Grover was standing in the middle of a dwindling fire, his appearance changed dramatically. He bore black-green wings of leather, a long tail and talons. Though he stood in the middle of the great fire, the flames were not touching him, because he was eating the flames.

Grover was invisible to those who watched in open-mouthed wonder, as he swallowed the flames that surrounded him, beating down a fire that, had Maui not intervened, would have left thousands homeless, and destroyed almost all of Waikiki. Left to follow its natural route, the out of control fire would have reached the children's school, and they would have been lost to the fire, too. The darkness would have a obtained a great victory.

When Grover was finished, the fire was nothing more than a few smoldering piles of rubble that the emergency personnel and firefighters could handle on their own. Grover would need rest, and Maui had designed his particular ability to enable him that rest. As a fire eating dragon, invisible to the naked eye, Grover was able to fly away, and Maui carried him to his home on the wind, transforming him back into his fragile human form before his head hit the pillow that he shared with his wife.

The darkness had made its first move, and, though Maui had stepped up to the plate and had won that first battle, he'd had to split up his guardians to do so, and the win hadn't been complete. Dozens of people had lost their lives, and hundreds were left homeless. Waikiki had suffered a devastating blow.

Maui's eyes flashed golden fire, and Lono took his hand. "The darkness is just toying with us now. Hold fast. You will beat it."

"And if I don't?" Maui hated the smallness of his voice, the way that his hand shook in Lono's.

"Then Hawaii is lost, and soon other lands will follow," Lono said.

"But," Lono raised Maui's hand to his lips, and kissed the palm, sending little sparks of delight dancing up and down Maui's spine, "you, will not lose to this darkness."

Hoping that Lono's trust and faith in him had not been misplaced, Maui swallowed hard, and offered his companion a smile.

"Have faith in yourself, and those you have chosen," Lono said, brushing his lips across Maui's knuckles, making the younger god shiver.

"Yes, Uncle."

There was nothing left but faith. Nothing for Maui to do but to watch, and send his guardians into the fray, and trust that he'd made the right choices.

"How long will you let McGarrett keep the gruff voice that Williams prayed for?" Lono asked, raising an eyebrow as Maui changed the scene in the looking glass.

McGarrett and Williams were home now, tangled up in sweaty limbs and mussed bed sheets. McGarrett was whispering something into Williams' ear, and Lono could see that whatever he'd said had a very potent effect on the man as the sheets tented, and Williams shivered.

"For a little while longer," Maui said. "Through the night at least. If I let him keep it longer than that, I doubt the two would get much work done, and I think that Chin and Kono would find a way to the heavens to have a word with me."

Lono chuckled, and cupped the back of Maui's neck, kissing him on the cheek.

Humming in approval of what he was seeing, Maui traced the couple, caught up in the throes of love, with an index finger. Reluctantly, and only because Lono was kissing his ear, and promising him something better than a peep show, Lono waved his hand over the image, watched it shimmer, and then dim as he turned off the looking glass. He followed Lono out of the viewing room, and into the room that they shared, feeling only a touch of guilt that he could not watch over Hawaii without rest.

Rest, as he'd learned, was necessary. Without it, he made costly mistakes. Mistakes that he could not afford to make now that the darkness had made its first bold move. It wanted the islands. Maui refused to give the darkness what it wanted.

"Come, love, it is time for rest," Lono said, kissing Maui's eyelids, and his lips. Lying beside him, Lono held Maui in his arms, and together, they slept the sleep of the gods.


	5. Out of the Frying Pan

**Disclaimer:** See initial chapter.

 **A/N:** Inspired by Suerum who wrote, "Ooooh bacon, never enough bacon" sparking this crazy story. Please forgive me any errors.

* * *

"How the hell are we supposed to save the island of Oahu as strips of bacon?" Lou asks, disgust ringing as clear as the grease bubbling in the frying pan.

"Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?" Danny asks.

Steve's almost afraid to encourage his boyfriend.

"Anyone? Anyone at all?"

Sighing, it's Chin who does the honors, saving Steve from having to do so. "What?"

"We're cops, right?" Danny says, voice trailing off.

Steve is seconds away from groaning as he's flipped. The world spins precariously, and his stomach feels like its all the way in his mouth. He hits the pan with a resounding sizzle and grins when the person doing the flipping curses as bacon grease spits out of the pan and catches him on the sensitive flesh on the inside of his arm. It might be petty as far as revenge goes, but it's all that Steve's got.

"And?" Kono asks, cursing as she's flipped. She lands with a rather impressive sizzle and the bacon flipper curses up a blue storm. It's oddly satisfying.

Kono's hiss of, "Yes," matches the sizzling of the bacon perfectly.

"We're quite literally bacon now," Danny says, giggling as he flips.

"The epitome of pigs. One might even argue that we're the best part of the pig."

He performs what looks like an intricate somersault and lands in the hot grease with very little splash, cheering as he does so.

"That, my friends, was a perfect ten," Danny says, pride evident in the tone of his voice.

Steve wonders if Danny's lost his mind. One transmogrification too many and Danny's gone completely off the deep end.

"You, my friend, need to stop showing off," Lou says. He's flipped and lands as gracelessly as the rest of them (aside from Danny who's the apparent Greg Louganis of diving into bacon grease).

"Ouch, man, that had to hurt," Danny says.

"Is anyone else as freaked out about all of this as I am?" Kono asks. "I mean, here we are, strips of bacon, sizzling in a frying pan and I feel like I'm lying naked on the beach, getting a touch of a sunburn rather than being burnt to a crisp."

"When have you been naked on the beach?" Chin asks, slightly alarmed.

Kono ignores her cousin. There are naked beaches on Oahu. Danny and Steve have even visited one, not that he's going to share that knowledge with the rest of the team when they're being fried up for who knows what purpose.

"How the hell does Loki expect us to protect the islands when we're sizzling in our own greasy juices a frying pan?" Lou grumbles as he's flipped, yet again.

"Ew, he said greasy juices, Steve," Danny says, and there's definitely something off about the other man turned bacon strip. Maybe he'd hit his head on the edge of the frying pan when he'd been flipped once.

"I'll give you -"

"Enough," Steve says, sputtering on a mouthful of grease as he's flipped. "Are we officers of the law or children?"

"Uh, we're kind of bacon right now. The right arm of the law we may be, but now we're sitting in the hot seat," Danny says. "Get it, hot seat?"

"Yes, Danny, we get it," Chin says, trying, and failing, to remain diplomatic as he's flipped through the air and lands with a back arching sizzle that looks, and sounds, like it hurts.

"Is anyone else getting a little dizzy, here?" Danny asks. He's flipped and performs another little acrobatic stunt that has him making an almost splash-less entry into the grease.

"Nine point five," Kono shouts, cursing as she's flipped.

"Eight," Lou says.

"Would you all grow up?" Steve asks. He's sick of lying face down in bacon grease, and is thankful that it doesn't feel any worse than a mild sunburn.

Danny sniffs, and Steve sighs. "Fine, I give your last dive a...seven point eight."

"You don't love me anymore," Danny wails. "The romance has been sizzled clean out of our relationship."

"Oh, for the love of all that's holy in this grease soaked pan...Steven, you know that Danny earned at least an eight on that last dive. There was barely a splash," Lou says, grousing as he's flipped.

"I don't see you doing anything other than belly or back flaps that send grease flying every which way," Lou adds, as he sends grease flying.

"Fine," Steve says. "I'll show you all what a perfect ten looks like just as soon as that pimple faced short order cook turns that spatula in my direction."

"You're just jealous because I look hot like this," Danny says.

Kono snorts in laughter. Chin and Lou chuckle. Steve rolls his eyes, and immediately regrets it as he's still face down in the bacon grease. It's really rather unpleasant.

"Spatula man's coming for you," Danny says, giving Steve a head's up.

This is his chance to show everyone that, even as a strip of bacon, he's got what it takes to lead the team. Human or bacon, Steve is still a Navy SEAL. He can do this. He's lifted. He keeps his eyes focused on the low pool of grease beneath him. He'll be going in blind, landing on his back. He's got to make this count, or he'll never hear the end of it from Danny or the others.

He counts in his head, one, two, three, and then he's flipped and Steve does his best to outmaneuver Danny's splash-free fall into the grease two flips ago. He has no idea what he looks like, if he's making a fool of himself in this almost golden crispy form, or if he looks like the proverbial pig flying gracefully through the air. He lands, hard, on his back, and grease spatters the back of the spatula as he's flattened to the pan.

"What the ever-loving fuck is going on over here?" A large man with a gut the size of a small world ambles over to the stove, and peers at the short order cook as though he's looking at a germ under a microscope.

The young cook quivers under the force of the bigger man's glare, and, though the spatula's still flattening him painfully to the bottom of the pan, Steve feels a pang of pity for the kid. It's not his fault that the bacon seems to have a mind of its own after all.

"I...I'm not sure, Mr. Carter," the kid stammers, and Steve's gut (such as it is) twists, because this creep, still hovering menacingly over the short order cook, is the man that they're after. He's the one they need to stop before he sends another shipment of frightened kids off to live as slaves.

"You just fry up the bacon and stop all of that funny business," Mr. Carter says, punctuating ever word with a jab of his meaty finger into the boy's chest. It looks like it hurts.

Steve can hear Danny hissing out all kinds of insults at the overweight man, and is heartened that, while Danny might be a little 'off' in bacon form, he is still, mostly, himself, and is just as spitting mad as Steve would expect him to be.

"That's our man," Lou says.

"I know. We need to get the kid to flip one of us, and do what Danny's been doing all along, use the momentum of the flip to do some fancy flying," Steve says.

"I bet when we're done with this piece of shit, he'll never think of the phrase, 'when pig's fly', in the same light," Danny jokes.

"Out of the pan into the fire, on my count," Steve says, hoping that the kid will release him so that he can act. "One, two..."

He's lifted before he can get to, three, and when he's let go, Steve contorts himself mid-air and twists and turns his body. Using the momentum of the flip, he ignores the shout from the startled cook, and aims for the fat lard of a man, Mr. Carter, hitting him directly in the face, flinging hot bacon grease into the man's eyes.

"You little shit!" Mr. Carter roars, and he reaches blindly for the teen, hitting the handle of the pan instead, sending Danny, Chin, Kono and Lou flying out of the pan.

Each of them flips and twists beautifully in the air, soaring toward the man who's still reaching for the teen who has now gotten well out of arm's reach. Mr. Carter flings Steve off of his eyes, and Steve lands on the floor in an undignified heap.

Danny yells something that sounds like, "¡Ay, caramba!" or "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" Steve can't really make it out, but he is proud of Danny when the strip of bacon lands on the man's exposed foot (what fool wears slippahs in a greasy kitchen?), making the man jump around like the bumbling fool he is.

Kono lands on the man's hand, and he swats her off of it. She lands a few feet away from Steve and crows triumphantly.

Chin lands on the man's neck and ends up sliding down the man's chest and getting caught somewhere in the folds of his too tight shirt. Steve shudders in sympathy, grateful that he didn't end up there, too.

Lou makes a rather satisfying grunt as he lands on the man's fat wrist before falling to the floor.

The man hops around on one foot, cursing and threatening to kill everyone from the cook to the person who'd sold the restaurant the bacon. He slips in the bacon grease that Kono, Steve, and Lou have left, and that he accidentally spilled all over the floor when he'd upended the pan. He hits his head on the stove, breaking his nose, sending blood flying everywhere, and then falls backward, cracking the floor and hitting the back of his head hard enough to knock himself out.

Chin manages, somehow, to wriggle through a gap between some buttons, and seems exhausted after the effort.

Steve's heart gets caught in his throat when he spies Danny, lying crushed beneath Mr. Carter's left foot.

"Danny?" Steve can't keep the fear out of his voice.

"Four and a half," Danny says weakly through a groan. "You had more splash on that landing than a whale breaching the surface of the ocean." Though he's panting, and it seems to be taking more effort for Danny to talk than it should, Steve finds the mocking tone of his lover a relief and wishes that he could wrap his arms around Danny rather than having to perhaps settle for cuddling up next to him and some cheese and eggs in a breakfast wrap.

* * *

"Maui," Lono's voice is indulgent as he chastises the younger demigod. "I believe that your heroes have proven themselves well enough not to be tried so harshly."

The demigod's eyes are smoldering with deep emotion as he watches his chosen warriors fry. A literal punishment for some unheeded remark that had pricked the young god's pride yet again.

"You have to stop putting your heroes through this kind of torture," Lono says. "You will lose them if you don't."

"They are only human," Maui says, disgust rolling off of him.

"Exactly," Lono says, wrapping his arms around the younger god and holding him close, willing Maui's taut muscles to loosen, for the demigod to relax. "They are only human. They are frailer than us. They are not gods. They cannot withstand these tests of yours."

"Kanaloa provoked me," Maui says. "It is his fault my warriors are suffering such indignities."

Shaking his head, Lono turns the younger, volatile god to face him. Cupping Maui's face in his hands, he kisses him, and Maui finally releases the tension he's been carrying around for days.

"You do not need to respond to every taunt that comes from your half siblings," Lono says, drawing his thumb across Maui's lips and smiling when the younger god opens his lips and licks at the thumb, wetting it.

"He didn't believe me when I said that they were ready to defend Hawaii, that they were ready to take on the mantle of guardians," Maui says with a pout.

"My foolish little, Maui," Lono says, kissing the younger god. "When will you learn to use your head?" he asks, thumping the back of Maui's head. "Rather than your gut?" He presses a hand into the younger god's stomach and keeps it there until Maui's face twists with remorse and need.

"Rescue your warriors, and go to I'o now, before the darkness encroaches any further than it already has. It is already licking at the shores of the big island," Lono says, pointing toward the looking glass.

Nodding, Maui squares his shoulders, and, after stealing a quick kiss, he returns to the looking glass and chants. Winds and waves are whipped up into a frenzy, pushing the darkness back as far as they can, and lightning strikes as the guardians, Maui's chosen warriors, are transformed back into their human bodies, magic keeping anyone from seeing it happen.

* * *

"My head is killing me," Danny says later that night from the safety of their bed, wrapped snuggly in Steve's arms.

"You have a concussion," Steve reminds his lover (not for the first time since they'd come to on the floor of the greasy diner, their quarry being read his rights and bundled off in an ambulance) and he kisses the corner of Danny's mouth. "From all of that fancy flipping you were doing."

"Were we really strips of bacon?" Danny asks for what must have been about the hundredth time. Steve isn't counting, and he's not angry, but it is getting a little old.

"Yes, Danny," Steve says patiently. "We were in a frying pan, and you were doing somersaults."

"Somersaults?" Danny asks sleepily, voice a little awed, as though he's picturing it. Maybe he'll dream of bacon flying through the air.

Steve runs his fingers through Danny's hair, hoping that his lover will drift off to sleep so that he can. It was a bizarre, trying day, and he just wants to put it behind the both of them.

"Huh, guess that makes us a couple of pigs in a blanket,"Danny says around a yawn, and he buries his head beneath Steve's chin, almost purring in contentment, as he falls asleep. Chuckling, brushing his lips over the top of Danny's head, Steve follows Danny into sleep shortly after.


End file.
